By Rad Milton, pro racketeer

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Unlike our pathetic cornhole team, Badminton is playing well right now thanks to the contributions of rookie Mads Finton.

Xavier beat Butler in a monumental landslide during the penultimate match of the acclaimed National Amish Society Intramural Badminton Tournament. Despite an expert serve right off the bat (or shall we say racket?) from Butler, the opening point went to Xavier, as Butler’s starter failed to serve with his nondominant hand and in a sexy nurse outfit, as per intramural sport guidelines.

With the match starting out favorably for the underdogs, Xavier stepped up for their first serve with their starting attacker, junior Chad Winton. 

When it comes to badminton, Winton was mad stintin’,  serving it up hot with a corkscrew push shot. An intense and fiery rally persisted for 2.4 straight minutes of pure unadulterated shuttlecockery between the two teams. It was a hairpin’ net shot delivered by rookie net stancer Mads Finton who saw Xavier secure a firm lead.

Things went from badminton to worseminton for Butler after Xavier expertly pulled off the notoriously risky “King of the Luau” technique, smacking the shuttlecock directly down the throat of one of their opponents. And instantly earned Xavier an extra five points and Butler a trip to the emergency room.

However, in every Air Bud story of underdoggery comes the crushing moment when the greedy clown tries to reclaim his golden retriever. This came in the form of a life-threatening injury to Xavier’s star defensive player Brad Quenton, in which a stray Butler racket penetrated his lower abdomen, severing his spinal cord.

After a long deliberation by Head Coach Vlad Pinton, Xavier was allowed to perform a penalty shot — something Google says has never happened in the history of badminton, but trust me, it happened. .

Despite a successful first half, Quenton’s loss was felt as Butler started hurling birds Xavier’s way like they were a bunch of green pigs that stole their eggs. 

This devastating onslaught included an expert wood shot off the frame of Butler badminton veteran Thad Plinton’s racket in what many analysts are still calling “a move that should have stayed banned by the International Badminton Federation in 1963.”

Butler closed the lead in a matter of minutes, climbing to the devastating 20 all, meaning either team needed to score just two more points to win.

Just as all hope was lost for Xavier, a sudden appearance from the anti-racket sports organization Shuttlecock and Tennis Ball Torture (STBT) provided the distraction Xavier needed to win. 

As STBT tied several members of Butler’s team to a spit over an open fire, it was MVM (most valuable mintoner) Winton that netted Xavier the final two-point lead needed to win, ending the game at a score of 22-20.

The Xavier badminton team will now continue on in the tournament, facing the 2004 national Sri Lankan Olympic team on home turf next Tuesday.