Mike Brown told Assistant Steve to tell Joe Burrow that he would be fine

By Zac Taylor, Football guy

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Behind every old penny-pincher trying to perform tasks way beyond his abilities is a guy that follows him around doing everything he says.

Newswire sat down with one of Mike Brown’s assistants, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being doxxed, to discuss what a day in the life at his job looks like. For the purposes of this article, we’ll refer to him as Steve.

Steve starts every morning with four espresso shots right when he gets up. 

“There’s no making it through without a near-deadly dose of caffeine before I even see the guy,” he said.

Brown, on the other hand, wakes up to AM radio on his 1982 Panasonic alarm clock at noon and has his wife bring him some lukewarm boxed wine in a mug. He immediately begins fielding requests for “Welcome to the Jungle” to stop being played as the kickoff song in Paul Brown Stadium, telling fans it is “awesome” and to “shut up.”

Recently, one of the items on his daily agenda has been handling player relations — remotely, of course. His assistants have earpieces through which Brown feeds them sweet nothings to address player concerns. Star quarterback Joe Burrow has expressed worry that he will be left unprotected on the offensive line again, leaving him vulnerable to another ACL injury. Newswire sat in on the conference.

“I feel like you’re more worried about getting his soup for lunch than whether or not I keep my knees,” Burrow said.

Brown told Steve to tell Joe that he would be fine and to quit being a fucking wuss about it and just run away from the defense.

“Mike just doesn’t want to open up the checkbook. Despite an injury to one of the best quarterbacks this team has ever seen, I think he wouldn’t budge because he’d rather just buy some other dude to play in a couple years,” Steve posited.

Some days, Brown and his assistants have meetings with scouts where they discuss some of their options for next season. Brown is a big proponent of just not hiring anyone else and making do with the guys they already have.

“We just have to remind him of the Bengals in their ‘80s heyday and give him a little more boxed wine, occasionally tell him the check he’s signing is going to JFK Jr.’s election campaign… the old bag of bones never notices. That’s how we got Alex Cappa,” Steve said.

After this conversation, Newswire decided it was best to stay out of this situation. We wish Steve and the rest of Brown’s staff the best of luck heading into the season.