Sports

Xavier Cornhole struggling on and off the pitch

By Chico youger, convenient vegan
DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Xavier’s cornhole team has set a new low, losing their 18th straight match last Tuesday. 

The Cornsketeers fell 21-17 to the Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Cintas Center, moving to a measly 2-20 record this year. The match started out well for the Cornsketeers, as Lyle Codgers was able to give them an early 4-2 lead. However, behind the prowess of Boo Radley Jr., the Demon Deacons quickly took an 11-8 lead. 

Xavier’s Blake Deiger, who was battling flu-like symptoms throughout the match, was consistently outperformed by Paul DelVecchio, who was talking trash to the Xavier side the whole game. 

After Codgers gave Xavier a 15-13 lead, DelVecchio rattled off four unanswered to take the lead. Wake Forest wouldn’t give it up the rest of the way.

Xavier Cornhole continued their unfortunate losing streak, losing 21-17 to Wake Forest. Xavier is struggling with issues on and off ff the pitch, and the Cornsketeers need to figure things out before their next match.

The Cornsketeers tried to battle back, but DelVecchio was too hot, and by the end of the game, his constant chirping was enough for Codgers to break. In his postgame interview, with DelVecchio yelling behind him, Codgers turned around, shoved DelVecchio and yelled, “Go home, cuckboy.” 

Codgers and DelVecchio had to be separated by their teammates and match security. In the postgame press conference, Codgers apologized to the fans but wouldn’t apologize to DelVecchio. 

“That guy is such a (j***). I can’t stand him. He’s an immature, little (c***),” he said.

Codgers repeated the obscene language he used earlier toward DelVecchio. 

It’s likely Codgers is looking at a suspension or a fine for his actions. As for his part, Deiger, who only managed three points on the day, said he wishes his teammate could keep his emotions under control. 

“I think he really hurt us today with his behavior. Can’t let someone get under your skin like that. I wish I could say this was the first time his emotions have negatively affected him,” Deiger said. 

The drama continued off the pitch for the Cornsketeers, as Deiger apparently kicked Codgers in a fit of rage during a post-game altercation. 

Codgers was also cited for reckless driving on the way home after he was clocked going 94 mph in a 45 mph zone and recklessly changing lanes, running numerous cars off the road. 

The National Cornhole Association currently has Codgers ranked No. 17 on their 2023 big board, but it’s reported that various teams are concerned with recent off-the-lawn issues. 

Regardless, the Cornsketeers will need to turn things around quickly, as they resume play on Saturday against the IUPUI Jaguars. IUPUI is currently 12-10 on the season, with an upset win over Purdue, who is currently ranked no. 3.