Basketball coach departs after signing record deal, reaches rock stardom

By Myran Bay, Steele Stan

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

While no longer the Xavier men’s basketball head coach, Travis Steele has found a new way to contribute to the Xavier community: his passion for electric guitar. 

As coach, Steele kept his talent hidden, fearing his team would not accept him for who he was, much like Troy Bolton in High School Musical. However, players noticed some odd things hinting at Steele’s secret.  

“I was going to visit Coach Steele in his office the other month when I heard this outrageously loud noise. Like an airplane was flying past the building. When I got closer to the door, I realized that the sound was ‘Panama’ by Van Halen,” a former Musketeer player, who wished to remain anonymous to help their draft prospects, said. 

“After knocking for five minutes, Coach Steele cracked the door open and poked his head out. He tried to tell me that he was watching a YouTube video of his nephew playing, but I know a real guitar when I hear one,” the player added. “Coach Steele can shred!”

No longer limited by his responsibilities on the basketball court, Steele hit the recording studio, releasing his debut album Winning is in the Eye of the Beholder on March 25. 

He collaborated with an all-star cast of musicians, including Paul McCartney, Snoop Dogg, Billy Joel and Beethoven. Overnight, the album received rave reviews for its songwriting and the skill of its featured musicians. 

The album’s lead single “Crosstown Shootout” featured Playboi Carti and has topped the charts worldwide for the past week. 

“Three-Point Line” was also praised for its social commentary on the world of basketball, with the chorus, “If you don’t give them three-points, they won’t even give you three strikes/Throw you out like a basketball. Not nice.” 

Across the board, Steele’s musical style has been described as “ferocious,” with some critics daring to call him “a talent that we haven’t seen since Jimi Hendrix.” 

One rave review called his vocal style “operatic in the style of Pavarotti, with the accessibility of Freddie Mercury.” Additionally, artists such as Silk Sonic, Post Malone, Dua Lipa and Weezer expressed a desire to collaborate with Steele after listening to his work on Winning is in the Eye of the Beholder.    

Steele has now embarked on the ambitious “Slam Dunk” Tour with his backing band The Foul Shots. The tour will traverse all seven continents, playing every major city, and concluding with a packed house in Antarctica. Notable tour shows include Lollapalooza, Coachella and a private concert for Queen Elizabeth II. 

It was also announced that XavierFest will be one of the first stops of the tour. 

“I hope this can be a healing moment for the university. This may be a really awkward event, but it’s important to have healing, especially after losing the best basketball coach ever AND the best guitar player ever,” Steele said in a press conference announcing the tour. After this, Steele stuck his tongue out and walked away.  

Xavier students have responded positively to Steele’s return. 

“It’s been too long since we’ve had a real rock band on campus. When I go to a concert I want the music to be so loud that my face melts off,” a student who looked suspiciously like my dad said. “Steele and The Foul Shots are better than Metallica, dude. I’ve never heard a band that’s so heavy, man.”  

Yesterday, the university released a statement about Steele headlining XavierFest, conveying its excitement about the collaboration.

“XavierFest is a great way to build community… and spend money. Steele will help us do both,” an email read. “We cannot wait to see him electrify the stage with his musical talents!”