Demolition of first-year housing to begin as soon as they feel like doing it

By Sea Bass, Bass of the Sea

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Xavier has finally caved in to the demands of its students and is building a new parking structure on campus.

The parking structure won’t be over R1 or any other existing lot, but instead will be in the spot where those pesky residential halls are. The current plans are to demolish Husman and Kuhlman halls and turn the upper portions of Justice hall into another part of the parking garage.

The Xavier Planning Commission (XPC) had originally created a plan to incentivize biking, skateboarding and other forms of non-car transit. However, this plan was scrapped after the commission president saw Mad Max Fury Road and the French film Titane. Thus, they decided to transition Xavier from a walkable, student-centered campus into a car-focused one.

The parking garage, known as the Thunderdome, is set to be eight stories tall and encompass both Kuhlman and Husman Hall’s current lot space. The planned structure is reported to accommodate around 3,000 vehicles. The main wing of the structure will be opening in time for the 2022-23 academic year, while construction on the Justice portion of the parking garage will start during Finals Week of Spring 2023. This means that any current or future residents of Justice will have to vacate the building and find a new place to live in the two weeks prior to finals that semester.

Many student activists have criticized the plan to build the Thunderdome due to the loss of student housing, with some asking where first-years and sophomores are going to live. Many also pointed out how it’s not a dome.

“First of all, the Thunderdome is too cool of a name to not use. Secondly, we would like to give Xavier students an idea of what their life will be like after graduation, especially if they’re a major in the arts or social sciences. Therefore, we propose that these students live in their cars,” XPC representative said.

“Of course this does mean that these students will need to buy a parking pass, or they will be towed. We believe having a car on campus is considered a luxury, even if they are living out of it,” the spokesperson continued.

The Thunderdome will be paid for by an increase in tuition and an increase in the cost of all parking passes. After being asked about students not having access to a car to live in, the spokesperson had this to say.

“You don’t have any friends you could ask to sleep in their trunk?”

According to the XPC, there will still be RAs in the Thunderdome, and they will be on motorcycles shining flashlights in windows to ensure there’s no drinking and driving. Noise violations during quiet hours, such as revving of engines, blasting music and having loud sex will be punished by ticket.

After three infractions, they will be kicked out of the Thunderdome and have to duke it out with the other schmucks to find a spot to park on campus. Anybody caught walking around campus will be promptly arrested by XUPD.