SATIRE

By Joe Reardon, Staff Writer 

Xavier University will welcome the Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science (CCMS) back to campus, returning the nation’s first mortuary school to the A.B. Cohen Center, where it operated from 1987-1995. A mortuary school is a program where students are taught how to become funeral directors, embalmers and morticians. This move is being billed as a partnership that will strengthen both institutions and provide CCMS students with access to Xavier’s broader academic offerings. 

However, there is one question no one at Xavier seems particularly interested in answering: where are they getting all the bodies? 

CCMS needs cadavers. Xavier has students. CCMS comes back to campus. Students start “transferring…” At what point does a series of coincidences become a pattern? 

Think about it. For years, Xavier students have been told their education is about “holistic instruction,” “student success” and “preparing for the future.” Now a mortuary school is moving back onto campus, and the institution has a steady supply of young adults who have made the questionable decision to major in communications. 

One sophomore who requested anonymity said she first became concerned after her roommate criticized the administration in a group chat. 

“My roommate said the parking situation was ridiculous, then she got an email inviting her to discuss her ‘academic trajectory,’” a student said.  

The student said the last time she saw her roommate, she was walking toward the Cohen Center carrying a backpack and a copy of the student handbook. 

Her roommate has not been seen since. 

The university says students are merely transferring, but transferring where? A review of enrollment records found several students listed as having “transferred” without an institution identified as their destination. Why is no one asking where these students are transferring to? Why is the Cohen Center always the last place anyone remembers seeing them? 

This is where the pieces begin to fit together. CCMS returns to campus. Students complain about tuition. Students complain about parking. Students complain about President Hanycz. Now, there is an institution on campus whose entire educational mission depends on people being dead. 

There is also no evidence that Xavier is harvesting students for mortuary education, but there is no evidence that it is not either. If history has taught anything, it is that the absence of evidence is exactly what one would expect from a sufficiently sophisticated operation. 

To get an unbiased perspective, a cadaver currently being used for mortuary education was asked about the return of CCMS. 

“Were you a Xavier student?” 

Silence. 

“Did you ever criticize university leadership?” 

No response. 

“Do you believe there is a connection between student complaints and the return of CCMS?” 

Nothing. 

After several minutes of this, the interview was terminated. 

Why did the cadaver not respond? Was it because the administration kept them silent or were they silenced? 

The university has denied allegations of any conspiracy, but declined to provide evidence that the allegations are false. They say the return of CCMS is about collaboration, academic opportunity and preparing students for the future of death care. Perhaps that is all it is, but the bodies have to come from somewhere.