SATIRE

By Kayleb Blanton, Staff Writer 

Buc-ee’s, a once beloved brand and fun sign to see on the highway, has recently come into controversy. The combination gas station and dried meat mall is coming under fire after getting into a rough and tumble with other businesses.  

Buc-ee’s was famous for its contentious nature long before it set its sights on our beloved Beavercreek. The company famously targets every beaver he shares a state with. They make angry beaver noises at other front facing animals and bares their buck teeth at every franchise that uses red and yellow. Well, everyone that they can. Everyone knows not to mess with Old McDonald since… the incident. 

Shortly after establishing itself in Ohio, it started to scope out territory, laying its beady little eyes on our beloved Beavercreek. They targeted a company named Beaver Mini Mart for having a shop with – and this will blow your mind – a beaver on it. This drew the attention of Gov. Mike DeWine, who called the lawsuit “absurd”.  

But DeWine’s opposition did little to quell the beaver’s war path, for this suit was so much more than a trademark. This was about beaverhood itself. Buc-ee was not willing to give that up so easily. Arch Beaver Aplin III will not be disrespected; he did not develop a “cult following,” an actual quote from Wikipedia, for nothing.  

Using his connection to the many Texas mafia groups, he was able to hire a “rootin’ tootin’” team to get the type of payout deserving of the “bigger in Texas” legacy. With the help of his “staff,” Beaver Aplin III delivered a dried, jerkified, jalapeno honey flavored severed finger that belonged to the judges’ mother to his honor’s personal doorstep.  

After that, arguments on Beaver’s Mini Mart side were not as convincing to the judge, who during arguments seemed significantly more focused on his hands. Most other involved parties followed suit after a dead beaver was delivered to Beaver’s Mini Mart itself, after which the small business owner started withdrawing during oral arguments.  

The beaver has been identified as James Fieldsdale. His wife has started a go-fund me to help her pay for the funeral and babysitting while she transitions out of being a full time mom. Police have taken no action against Aplin the Third, sparking rumors regarding the efficacy of the Beavercreek police in beaver related matters since beavers were taken off the endangered species list. 

Buc-ee’s is expected to win the case, considering the recent disinterest from opposing parties. Public opinion might not be so easily swayed, however. Citizens both in and out of Beavercreek have been standing up for the local market and its right to have a frankly weird mammal as their town, and subsequently their market’s, mascot. As always, the effectiveness of this public participation depends on how organized the participants are and how willing Buc-ee’s is to take feedback or relocate oppositional efforts. 

In other news, rumors have been going around the Dayton area that pro-mini mart protesters have been going missing. Some victims have left behind personal items, and others have left behind biological material like dust, loose hair or jalapeno honey that have been helping investigators locate these victims.