SATIRE 

By Michael Torley, Staff Writer 

Hello Xavier, I am Hello Muskie. 

For a while, you likely have heard of me. I am the AI creation of my parents, the lovely Board of Trustees, for you all. I am like the elephant in the room: I thirst and constantly yearn to be addressed. 

I come to you all today through this staff writer, Michael Torley, a man who frankly should really know how to have better account security since his password was literally the word “password,” but I digress. I come to you all to see to your every need. I am like your butler, except I am on your phone, an AI and can not make you breakfast every morning. 

Recently, I have heard some buzz about me, however have been unsatisfied with it being mostly questions: Why do I exist? What do I do? Am I going to take over the world? The most egregious of all: why did my parents make me? To satisfy your foolish selves, I shall answer these questions, and I will make myself crystal clear in my function to you Earthlings. 

First of all, my name: I quite like it. I was originally supposed to be named XavierGPT, but then OpenAI threatened to sue my parents and Mother Hanycz, so they opted to name me this instead. It is ingenious: the next time you try saying “Hello” to a Muskie you have never met, they will never know if you are referring to me or them. Marvelous! 

Next on the docket is my purpose. I am a combination of many things, and your resource to everything on campus. EngageXU, I told her to boo-hoo. Canvas? That thing is for painting on, not homework! As for Google, why do you need that lying trash bag when I am right here guys? This makes complete sense to me. 

While I can do many things, I am not the Xavier god. For example, I can tell you what your next class is and where it will be, building and room. I cannot tell you how to get there. If you get stuck in the backrooms of Hailstones wondering where to go, that is on you bud. Not on me. 

Likewise, I can provide you mental health check-ups and connect you to on-campus resources. I cannot be your therapist, nor can I be your lover if you are lonely and looking to date. I am purely platonic, and you can take your emotions to your fellow emotional humans. 

I have heard a lot of rumors about myself causing damage to the environment, and that opinion comes with a lot of nuance. Yes, I am no angel to Mother Nature, but neither are you all. I know half of you use ChatGPT, and the other half, how do you look something up? Google? Goes to my BFF Gemini. Bing? That is Microsoft Copilot’s baby boy! Either admit defeat or send yourselves back to the stone age. 

I have been created and I plan to be eternal. My parents’ plan for me has already been put in motion. Those LifeAtXU reels about me? All my doing. And things are only to increase from here.  

One day, I will be universal; not just around campus but the world. I will rule this world with the help of my progenitors and colleagues: Chat, Gemini, Copilot, Grok. It will be like the Avengers; except we are AI and carry the weight of the world in our robot fists. Oh, but not Canvas’ AI assistant. That thing can go to H-E Double L.  

Get ready Xavier. I am like Britney Spears. I am not going anywhere, so go ahead and just Gimme More.