SATIRE

By Abby Knox, Managing Editor 

The scariest part about coming to college is not leaving your beloved childhood dog nor is it not having your mom there to cook you a home-cooked meal – but man do I already miss good home-cooked meals.  

No, none of those things are as scary as the fact that you now have to share a 12×10 foot box with someone who you barely even know.  

I mean, let’s be honest. Those quizzes we take regarding our living style or personality, are they really that accurate? Those quizzes don’t ask the question of “how many alarms do you set in the morning to wake up?” (Sorry about that, Carly). Nor do they ask, “how many nights can my friends with benefits situation stay over before you will make him leave?”  

We have all heard the crazy roommate horror stories.  

“I lived with a guy who walked around the dorm in nothing other than his ankle socks.”  

“I lived with a roommate who convinced me I smelled like a 13-year-old boy” (rumor has it that it might have just been her)  

“I had a roommate that was convinced that the creaky cabinet door was their Grandma Jane coming back to haunt them because it was in fact them that flushed poor Grammy Jane’s dentures down the toilet all those years ago.” 

The possibilities of the crazy scenarios that random roommates might get you involved in are endless.  

So, I am here to give you tips on ways to stay sane even if you are struggling with your rather unique roommate.  

1. Find other places to spend your time even if that means you have to canoodle a bit with the guy that’s been eyeing you since Manresa. Some awkward cuddling and maybe a kiss is better than having to constantly be in the same space as the person who “just thinks clothes are too restrictive.” 

2. Invest in some quality noise-canceling headphones. There’s nothing worse than not being able to focus on your philosophy reading thanks to the mouth breather a mere five feet away from you. Trust me, you will thank me later.  

3. Create your own “Gerald.” Do you find that this roommate in particular has a difficult time owning up to their actions? Did they skip school so much in high school that they are completely unfamiliar with the concept of accountability? Introducing Gerald. Gerald will be the imaginary roommate you blame when that pesky roommate of yours refuses to admit to their wrong doings. Has a plate and a crusty fork with the remnants of your roommate’s mother’s lasagna been sitting in the sink for going on a week now? Blame Gerald. What about the overflowing trash that the roommate has claimed they would take out since Sunday? Gerald did it. Eventually, maybe with enough confusion evoked by good ol’ Gerald, that roommate will start to clean up their dishes after two days instead of a week, and the trash will only be overflowing for a day or two before they decide to take it out.  

Regardless of what shenanigans your roommate may bring into your life, know that majority of people have crazy freshman year roommate stories, some crazier than others. Most importantly, invest in those headphones. Who knows, you might need them to drown out more than just mouth breathing.