SATIRE

By Giulia Gutzwiller, Digital Communications Manager and Education & Enrichment Coordinator  

Welcome to Xavier, class of 2030! 

This year will be your year. 

There are many places that await you. 

Just move forward without fear.  

Dana Gardens 

Although your Manresa leader explicitly told you not to go to Dana’s, you will not heed this warning. After a long trek from Buenger Hall, you’ll be met with your first Xavier opp: the bouncer. He doesn’t care that you just walked 15 whole minutes to get there; he’ll send you home faster than you can say the zip code on your fake ID.  

Gallagher Student Center (GSC)  

When you’re asked to print a 10-page reading for one of your classes, you make your way to the GSC. You’ll stare at the printing station in confusion for a few minutes before mustering up the courage to ask someone at the front desk (who has already been asked the same question five times during their shift) how the printer works.  

Cintas 

Our acclaimed basketball team is likely what drew you to Xavier in the first place. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a spot in the very back corner of the student section with someone blocking your view with a massive cardboard sign. If you’re even luckier, you’ll get to hear the crowd cheer in celebration of a Xavier dub. Let’s go, Muskies! 

Caf 

Get used to the Caf because you’ll see this place every day. Sure, you might bump into your failed Manresa talking stage, struggle to find a table during the lunch rush or get food poisoning, but the sweet treats will always have you crawling right back.  

Oakley  

Eventually, you’ll get tired of eating in the Caf and you’ll venture off campus. Oakley is a short drive away, so you can make your one friend with a car take your entire friend group. You’ll be astounded by the amount of dining options, but you’ll settle for your tried-and-true Raising Cane’s time after time.  

Dana’s (again) 

So, you didn’t learn your lesson after your last failed attempt. This time, the bouncer took your fake ID and hung it on the wall of confiscated fake IDs displayed behind the bar. I guess the third time’s the charm?  

Wasson Way 

On a chilly autumn day, you’ll take advantage of the perfect weather and go for a walk down Wasson Way. You’re eager to see if this trail lives up to the hype, and it definitely does. Nothing clears your mind quite like crossing a bridge suspended over eight lanes of I-71 traffic.  

Conaton Learning Commons (CLC) 

Not only will you be stressed about studying for exams during finals week, but you’ll also be overwhelmed with trying to find a good study spot. You’ll plop yourself down in an empty study room in the CLC for some peace and quiet. A few minutes go by, and you hear a knock at the door – it’s a group of students working on a final project who reserved the study room days in advance! Oops, rookie mistake.  

To quote Dr. Seuss: 

“You’re off to Great Places! 

Today is your day! 

Your mountain is waiting, 

So… get on your way!”