SATIRE

By Maci Taylor, Back Page Editor 

Well, we did it Joe, your America is blue again!  

The latest midterm election created a storm, the likes of which the U.S. has not seen since Watergate. Which, is basically what opened during the Blunami.  

Georgia is blue, Ohio is blue, Kansas is blue, North and South Carolina are blue, Maine is blue, Iowa is blue and is that … Texas??? Texas hasn’t been this blue since Hurricane Harvey!  

It’s clear that this is a new U.S. and there is a new sheriff in town: sex changes, pronoun mandates and buy-one-get-one free abortions. This country will be run on oat milk, estrogen and testosterone prescriptions and RuPaul’s Drag Race. I heard that the show is now getting a bigger budget and stage, one that will compare to the one at Charlie Kirk’s big memorial bash.  

 All jokes aside, this was a huge win for the – as Trump likes to say – the Dumocratic party. Speaking of Trump, since the midterm results have and continue to come in, he has pooped his pants several times, cried himself to sleep in the arms of Pete Hegseth and went on Fox News to yell at the only allies he has left.  

It’s been really hard on Trump, but Hegseth might have it tougher. After the Dumocrats hit the Blentagon, everyone has been targeting Hegseth for impeachment. To defend himself, he’s been saying that while he’s been the U.S Secretary of War and Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey’s number one client, he has done an honorable job. But, the “Signalgate” when he texted a journalist his war plans in group chat like a super silly goose or those awesome double-tap allegations when he killed dozens in Caribbean boat strikes, might impact his job status. I suspect we will hear a classic, “You’re fired,” from Trump soon. 

But, thank God Hegseth will be saying “adios” soon because he would have a heart attack from where this new America is heading. We’ve already seen some drastic changes like the new finger-banging posters on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles for promos for the upcoming season two of Hunting Wives. Also, America’s favorite gay hockey players are filming season two AND three AND a movie back-to-back-to-back! I’m not sure how Shane is going to handle getting his back blown out this many times in a row.  

And who knows what else is to come! I personally can’t wait for my gender affirming surgery after I give birth to my non-binary child who will go to a communist school and learn the Arabic alphabet! I also can’t wait to dye my hair blue, tattoo my pronouns on my forehead and blow up every Tesla automobile I come across! I’m looking at you, Cybercab.  

During the upcoming holiday season, my gender diverse family and I will enjoy watching Halalmark movies while we snort our birth control pills and gives thanks to Allah. But, while our celebrations will be exorbitant, the cloud of immigrants stealing American jobs will overshadow this holiday. We CAN’T let them get away with this…  

But, I guess we’ll have to get used to the unemployment and Woke 3.0 because as Childish Gambino once said, “This is America.”