SATIRE

By Audrey Elwood, Chief Columnist 

My Dearest Huang Le,  

Our love is stronger than any foreign powers, and any NDA. I love how you are significantly younger and hotter than me and have no ulterior motives. I’ve shown you my cards, I love you, now they say you’re going to steal my chips and send them to Chinese companies. I have never been that good at poker. My love, we will burn with the electricity of 1000 data centers.  

Now everyone is mad at me, because you are supposedly a “spy” and “using me for secrets.” I don’t know how that could be true. Who doesn’t talk about SRAM and Logic gates as pillow talk. Nothing is sexier to me than wires and transistors, and now I am just getting publicly kink-shamed for it.  

My wife, Lori, who cares? 41 years is really not that long of a time. In 41 years, we will all be dead due to the AI takeover. She stuck with me through the long nights, the hard days and generally me being a horrible husband. But she made the worst choice a woman can make: aging. You are young, hot and will not push me to be a better man, just push me for company secrets.  

She is heartbroken, but not as heartbroken as my shareholders. Nvidia’s stock has been single-handily propping up the economy, now it’s as broken as our bedposts. Indeed, the AI bubble is bursting, because I fornicated with you. Poor Anthropic, their IPO is as messed up as our sheets, baby.  

Sleeping with the enemy, a tale as old as time. I am fine with being in bed with tech bro cronies, but Xi Jinping is NOT someone I want in my bedroom. They are calling me on the street “tank man” for what I did to the stock, but for some reason that’s censored on wecha–WE INTERRUPT YOUR LETTER TO DECLARE THAT THERE IS NO TANK MAN AND NOTHING HAPPENED IN TIANANMEN SQUARE IN 1989.  

I hope you can read these words I wrote to you. I know you are back in China, I think? To be honest, you have technically been missing since 2024. Your trap phone isn’t working, was it tapped too? I know it was a Huawei. Anyways, my dear Huang, we will burn with the electricity of 1000 data centers. You know I can’t keep a secret from you, the United States nuclear code is [REDACTED]. I love you, more than I love money, … maybe.