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SATIRE
By Rieley McDonnell, Staff Writer
Democrats swept away the Republicans in the midterm elections and the cabinet is getting cleaned out too.
Secretary of War – or Defense as normal people call the position – Pete Hegseth needs to be the first to go. Literally ANYONE would be better than that Christian nationalist, “not so tough” tough-guy. Here’s a couple options for the president to pick from.
Option one is the corpse of Gen. George McClellan. He was a general during the Civil War for the Union, though Hegseth would probably prefer a Confederate, and he was a bit of a massive coward.
He was actually quite promising at one time and was hailed a “Young Napoleon.” But he was overly cautious and kept requesting more and more troops to fight off a super small band of Confederates, then he never did any fighting.
Hegseth could never compare to real generals because his guns only shoot water.
This is why he is better than Hegseth, because while he will request thousands of soldiers, he will never send them into battle. If he is appointed, he will save countless American lives by never sending them into battle in the first place.
If a corpse is too morbid, there is always an actual general. Gen. Dale R. White is a Four Star General in the Air Force with a lot of field experience, and he is highly decorated, too. He is a perfect candidate for President Donald Trump to choose for this position.
Wait, No! Mr. President, it’s Dale R. White not David A. R. White! No! It is supposed to be the Four Star General not the Christian nationalist star of “God’s Not Dead!”
Well David A. R. White is the next option, even though Dale R. White would be better. He is best known for his work with Pure Flix, a Christian film studio. David A. R. White plays a pastor and a politician on screen, making him a great fit for the current administration.
He might work better as the Secretary of Arts so let’s get one last pick. The last pick for a new Secretary of War is someone who larps as Hegseth on national television, Colin Jost! Jost is a cast member on Saturday Night Live (SNL) who portrays a somehow more deranged version of Hegseth.
What Jost brings to the table is comedic talent. His jokes are so funny that he can make Trump forget he lost the midterms. If he distracts Trump enough he might even be able to pull the U.S. out of overseas conflict.
Trump might not even notice the difference between the two men since they look alike, which is just an added bonus. Well, either Trump will get confused or just forget because of his undiagnosed dementia.
ANYONE is better than Hegseth, and at this point he just needs to get out of dodge. The president’s cabinet is a sinking ship, and if Hegseth wants to have any semblance of a career after this, he needs to leave now.
After he leaves he could run for president, become a movie star and then work on SNL. He will replace his replacements and maybe have a chance of being someone important for once in his career.
