SATIRE

By Ryan Kramer, Newswire Intern 

Student demand for Xavier psychological and counseling services has increased to an unpreceded extent during the past week. In addition to discovering the cause of such a surge, many other strange occurrences have arisen during the week of class registration. 

The Newswire staff attempted to obtain an interview from one of the delirious students but was not successful. Between mutterings of waitlists and having to graduate a year late, the interviewers caught the question, “Why do nursing students get to pick first?” 

The counseling office was not the only site of the carnage, however. From Nov. 2 – 6, the hallways of Alter looked like a photo from Ellis Island. Students, glancing nervously back and forth between their computers and the clock, filled every seat. 

“I’ve done the math,” one freshman accounting major said with bloodshot eyes. “My time ticket opens at 1:00 p.,., but I have a class that starts right then, so I’ll wait outside the class and schedule as fast as possible. With any luck I’ll be in class by the time my professor gets to my name in attendance.” 

Ten minutes later, the accounting major left the bus-stop of a hallway and went into class late. Ironically, he missed part of the class he was currently in because he was trying to register classes. 

In the Gallagher Student Center, scenes that would seem appropriate in “The Walking Dead” were seen on all four floors. Some students stumbled around loosely gripping the last remnants of their dining dollars to spend at Iggy’s Coffee while others simply laid their heads down on tables. These luckless people had their time tickets assigned during the middle of the night.  

Their friends suggested that they could wait until morning to sign up for classes, but the tired folks only accused their friends of wanting to sign up before them to get the professor who is known for cancelling. Many wouldn’t think that friendships could be broken over THEO 111, and yet two sections were already full by Nov. 3. 

With the upshot of terror and lethargy in the student body, it comes with some surprise that nursing students have not experienced the same trend. The leading theory is that they spend so much time walking to and from the HUB that their capacity for annoyance is higher than the average student. While nursing and pre-med classes are difficult, the fact that they get to register first can wipe the pitiful looks off of their most sympathetic friends. 

In the end, however, there still seems to be one unaddressed injustice inherent in the system. Students with the same majors, same minors and in the same programs still receive time tickets that are hours apart from each other.  

The administration has not answered any questions about how they choose who gets the earlier times, but all that can be said for certain is that the money for the new Osteopathic School of Medicine had to come from somewhere, and many students with earlier time tickets may have deeper pockets than others.