By Straight Buenger, Staff Spiter

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Newswire has recently launched a Breaking News Response Team (BNRT) to more adequately cover timely breaking news. However, it was just discovered that Newswire also launched a Breaking News Creation Team (BNCT) in tandem with the former.

Fantastical news stories have been invented by this BNCT, as it is clear that campus news is lacking in satisfactory content.

The primary perpetrator is alleged to be none other than the Campus News Editor Bob Dezzy, who prefers not to resort to plaguing his page with photo-ops every week.

Others alleged that Show Manager Clomedia Galveston is another key member of the BNCT.

Galveston has appeared at the scene shortly after every on-campus vandalism –– including the painting of frogs on the Armory.

She has been directly credited for her work writing a few remarkable pieces.

Her accomplice in many of these news creation crimes is perceived to be H’untre Hellis, who has co-written several of the vandalism articles. Hellis’ involvement extends to providing testimony regarding the amphibian affair on Channel 18.

While the BNCT is primarily believed to focus on creating breaking news opportunities for campus news, they have also shown strength in writing long-term exposees and meddling with Student Government Association (SGA) affairs, specifically the 2021 election season.

One such member who works on these exposeés is Enrichment Guy Cotton-Eyed Go. He was accused of aggressively approaching the former SGA executives with peanut butter sandwiches despite the fact he knew they had a nut allergy.

Go is not the only alleged BNCT member with a scornful opinion of the organization.

After the Newswire Editorial Board confirmed their endorsement for the 2021 SGA election, it is believed that an unnamed member of the BNCT, with access to the office, went in and edited the front page of the issue, swapping the names of two tickets in order to cause confusion amongst the student body about which campaign title belonged to which platform.

The BNCT is also believed to have had a hand in the firing of Travis Steele.

Newswire has a large presence in the student section at Xavier games and was accused of beginning the since maligned “Fire Travis Steele” chants.

Newswire reporters in attendance refute these claims, saying they meant the chant to be heard as “Fire! Travis Steele!” The chant was supposed to inform Travis Steele they thought his coaching was “fire,” a modern slang term that means “good.”

All of the alleged members of the BNCT have declined to comment on whether they have any involvement with the group.