By Nick Loading, Staff Spiter
DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.
After appearing on the daytime soap opera The Young and the Restless, the Blue Blob has decided to diversify his acting portfolio into the world of reality television. Rumor has it that the Blob signed a multimillion-dollar deal with the media magnate Nickelodeon earlier this week.
Cursory reports say that Blobby will host the revival of Nickelodeon’s iconic Slime Time Live. The show is reported to begin filming on campus as early as Fall 2022 and will pit major against major in a fierce trivia battle where the loser will be humiliated and…. slimed!
Get ready, Xavier! It is time to live out your ‘90s dreams and prove to yourself that your major reigns supreme. First-round auditions will take place in Gallagher Student Center on Aug. 26.
Be the first to duke it out among your peers to see who will represent your major of choice. For the sake of simplicity, those who have a double major will be assigned their slime time based on the percentage of completion on DegreeWorks.
Once the champion of each major has been selected, they will compete in several thrilling rounds of trivia in which the loser will receive the sweet, sickly sacrament of slime. Pitting college against college, major against major, student against student, this competition has the potential to tear the university apart – almost like not seeing a NCAA tournament visit in four years.
To make up for lack of appearances, participants will be able to fill out a prime-slimetime bracket to guess which major will come up stunningly supreme. Will it be the Economics majors? Probably not, but at least they can dream, and we can watch them reap what they sow… a.k.a slime to the face.
While the Blob is set to host, many are wondering if the succulent soap star will be receiving a co-host to enact his slimy slaughter. Early whispers have ranged from Sandra Bullock to Snoop Dogg and even Shaquille O’Neal. No matter which way this shakes out, we can only ensure that this show will be pure satisfaction.
But never fear, intrepid reader, these slime efforts will be extended past television. In order to get crucial B-roll, there will be surprise slimming stations for students to receive special slime experiences in front of a nation wide audience. Compilations of the best slime experience will be televised on the mega-jumbotron during press breaks at Xavier basketball games.
Nevertheless, the metastatic success of this super sweet, scintillating small screen station will prove to be a sublime, sharp and possibly sadistic show!