By Chad Thadeus Bradley III, Guest Writer

Let me just start off by saying that I am not gay. I have never been gay, and I will definitely never be gay. Anything done in the showers at Planet Fitness doesn’t count. I am horrified. I am distraught. I am seeking medical attention for the trauma inflicted on me by Barry Keoghan’s bouncing penis and Jacob Elordi’s bath water. Is this what gay people do in their free time? I’ve made it a firm point in my life to avoid all interactions with dudes I smelled the G on. I went into sports marketing. I strictly drink at bars that have a 90% female customer base. I’ve never listened to a male singer, because a man crooning in my ears is gay. I’ve never ridden a roller coaster, lest I squeal. I’ve never even pumped gas. I siphon it directly into my mouth and spit it into my tank – it’s far manlier than handling anything shaped like a certain kind of genitalia I shudder to even say. All this to say, I thought Saltburn was about two guys being rich and getting chicks on an estate. That, to me, is the perfect summer – kind of like the gap year I took in the Maldives with my bud Rock Salt. And please, let’s talk – and then not talk again – about the vampire scene. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s written somewhere in the Bible that it’s not right for a dude to go down on a girl. Or maybe I just got that from DJ Khaled. Either way, it’s scripture. And a girl…on her…thing. You know, her…bloody…thing. Like that’s contagious or something dude. I was in a theater full of people practically foaming at the mouth, but me? I’ve got nightmares now. I baby-barfed on myself – and I’m man enough to admit that. As a full-blooded alpha male standing at 6’2” (if you just squint man, I swear), I pride myself on my ability to smell a girl on her period. It’s why I’ve never had sex, women are basically always on it. To me, Saltburn proves once and for all that the only thing a period should end is a sentence. The saving grace of this film? Emerald Fennell’s clever directing and the perfect score. I mean it really underlines the true meaning of the film. Every scene, every angle highlights exactly what you are supposed to notice, and boy did I notice. Here’s what it all boils down to – and not to brag, but I do consider myself quite adept at analyzing films: Being rich is awesome. What else is there to say? Skip the gay shit, and you know they say, mo’ money…mo’ money. I don’t actually know how it goes, but that sounds right.