By Grace Hamilton, Opinions and Editorials Editor

This article is satire, and only for the purposes of entertainment. None of these women deserve any actual hate for daring to exist as they are on television. If you believe that it is the case — check yourself. 

First of all, let me just say: I am a feminist. I am a feminist and I love all women. I believe in the right to vote. Actually, I believe in the right for women to be boring. God knows I am. Miss White-Bisexual-With-Bangs over here. Alert the press! This bitch wears overalls and listens to Phoebe Bridgers. The thing is, I don’t subject the nation to my boring existence. This season, multiple women on The Bachelor have made us sit through week after week over their boring personalities, cookie cutter drama and pretty tears. 

This season, TWO of those women have made it all the way to the Fantasy Suites. Lord, save me from this white woman and her bleach-blonde hair. Okay, yes, Daisy is deaf, and her story about it is sad and her perseverance is really admirable – but it’s all she talks about. God, I’m going to get canceled for trash talking a deaf woman on the satire page of my college newspaper. What has my life come to? 

Meanwhile, Rachel and Joey have about as much chemistry as a toothpick and the space between my toenail and my toe. That is to say, painful when the two come together. And I like Rachel as a person, though I think her muttered asides can be a little harsh. I just genuinely have no clue how she made it so far. But even before we made it as far as we have this season, we’ve been plagued by boring women. Honestly, even the mean girls were boring and textbook b*tchy. Sydney is just another girlypop weaponizing therapy speak — actually, just misusing therapy speak. 

Maria is a stronger woman than me. On God, second week in I would’ve slapped Sydney all the way back to her basic ass vintage store and prayed I knocked the Botox loose from her brain — since it obviously migrated and made her certifiably insane. Don’t even get me started on Lea. If you’re going to play the mean girl, at least do something fun with it. She spent all her camera time either coming up with boring lies to tell Joey or whispering about Maria over a cocktail. I miss the days when you were allowed to hit people on reality TV. It was a worse time, but also, it was a better time. Mostly, a worse time, just with the added benefit of laying someone out when they were being a grade A douchebag. Have the decency to entertain me if your personality is going to suck. Lea, spill some wine on Maria when she makes a costume change! Sydney, get some fake blood and stage a stabbing that you can blame on Maria! Where are the theatrics? Where’s the drama? Why is no one going at anyone else with a knife? Why do none of these girls give up on Joey’s attentions and make out with one another?