By Maci Taylor, Staff Writer

Have you ever walked up the stairs to Elet or strolled past Buenger Hall and heard rustling in the bushes? Seen indescribable shadows scurrying across the walkway too fast for your vision? Felt something crawl on your shoes only to jump up and see nothing is there? 

Chances are, if you have experienced any of those questions above, you have experienced the infamous lizards that live on our lovely campus. These little guys have infiltrated the bushes, grass and all sun covered sidewalks on campus. They are an underappreciated natural beauty in Southwest Ohio… but are they originally from here? 

In my two years on this campus, I have heard many stories about the origins of these lizards appearing on campus; a science experiment gone wrong, an Italian child’s smuggling, or a University of Cincinnati (US) vendetta against Xavier. I am here to debunk these lizard theories and get to the truth of how they appeared on campus. 

1. Science Experiment Gone Wrong

I have come across this theory quite a few times, and the story always changes. Through troubleshooting, I have come up with the best story possible. Scientists brought these lizards over to perform experiments on… to create a lizard Godzilla to destroy Cincinnati. Is this too fantastical? No, this is a very realistic possibility.  

2. Italian Child’s Smuggling 

This is the story that most individuals claim is the real story. Essentially, a child on summer vacation in Italy grabbed a couple of the native lizards and cared for them on a plane ride back to his hometown of Cincinnati. The lizards multiplied, grew and inhabited the Southwest Ohio region, including on Xavier’s campus. Now, I speculate that the child who did this is JD Vance. He has injected the lizards with mind-altering serum to persuade voters to vote for him. 

3. UC Vendetta 

It’s possible that UC created these lizards to put them on our campus for spying purposes. Each lizard has a camera planted in their eyes to spy on our basketball team for the Crosstown Shootout. Evil researchers at UC know that Xavier is too good at basketball, so they used unusual methods to get behind our success.  

4. A New On-Campus Dining Option: Absurd Lizard

With access to affordable chicken dwindling in the face of bird flu and tariffs, Xavier students should be advised to further inspect their “chicken” biscuits. Even though it is common to see a lizard scurrying through campus, they are best prepared medium-rare. Next time you take a bite out of your “chicken” sandwich, do not be surprised if a strip of flakey shedded skin gets stuck in between your teeth. 

Any of these theories could be the right one, but we can all agree as Xavier students that the lizards are a great addition to campus. I believe that we should have a third mascot named Leonard the Lizard to celebrate the lizards that roam our campus. They deserve the appreciation for bringing more personality to Xavier.