SATIRE

By Layla Tiell, Guest Writer

It has been four weeks since classes started and many of us are still waiting for our books from the bookstore. While most think the switch to Barnes and Noble is the issue, it has not yet been confirmed. Since no one has given us a straight answer, I’ve come up with some highly probable solutions as to why it’s taking so long. 

Naturally, the most logical explanation is that the bookstore staff is working tirelessly every night. And who can blame them? It would take any of us a long time to handwrite a textbook with a quill. At this rate, we will have our books just in time for graduation. 

Of course, there’s also the option that the books were not just handwritten, but hand-made from scratch. I’m talking milled paper, freshly mixed ink and covers stitched together from the finest leather a medieval knight could gather. 

Let us imagine for a moment that our books are finished, neatly wrapped in shiny plastic and waiting to be embraced like long-lost friends. No shipping delays, no hiccups in delivery, just smooth sailing from publisher to campus. In fact, let’s imagine the bookstore employees are handing them out right now as you read this. 

…At Xavier University of Louisiana. That’s right, not here, but at an entirely different school. 

I’d like to give the bookstore the benefit of the doubt and say it truly isn’t their fault. For instance, there are more natural reasons why our books aren’t ready yet. It could be a mix-up in the mail, or professors submitting their orders too late.

Maybe publishers didn’t print enough copies either. But that may be too simple, and it’s been a while since things have been simple at the bookstore. 

I’m sure you remember the lovely All For One shop, stocked with everything from cute sweatshirts to golf headcovers. Everything in there is useful, stylish and wildly expensive. 

But really, how useful can a mug with a giant “X” on it be if it costs thirty dollars? At that price, it’d better refill itself with coffee and whisper words of encouragement before every midterm. And yet somehow, the bookstore can get those mugs in stock instantly while our actual textbooks remain a mythical concept. 

So what I’m really getting at here is that our books are ready to go, stacked neatly in piles in the back of the store. The only thing we need to do is buy one of their 70 dollar shirts first. Then, and only then, we will be deemed worthy of receiving our used, cracked and faintly musty textbooks. 

My final thought about our textbooks is that some guy in Cincinnati, OH, named Xavier has piles of boxes on his front porch by mistake. If your name is Xavier, and you have been wondering where all those packages are coming from, please return them to their lovely home. 

So no, neither I nor anyone on campus knows when our books will be ready. But I do know that it’s been roughly a month since we got here and it would be a smart idea for us all to change our major to “Waiting Patiently” and minor in “Blind Optimism.”