SATIRE

By Audrey Elwood, Campus News Editor 

With the rise of a new supreme, the last one must die. At first, you could say that about Harry Styles, who went into hiding in 2022 fearing the release of “1989 (Taylor’s Version).” Now that Taylor has gone MAGA and is dating a man with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), her brain is not functioning at a level that could make a worthy song about anything other than “Wood.” 

Harry will return to the spotlight on March 6 and on this day, he will kill all other skinny, queerbaiting, white guys that the girls in your hometown like. This includes the notable Benson Boone and all of his copycats. While it might be sad at first, don’t worry, your brain will adapt to like things that don’t sound AI-generated again. 

Tall Benson Boone: Sombr 

When he’s not telling a crowd of minors to call him daddy, he is jumping around for songs he does not need to be doing that for. I am glad he had his moment last year, because now we can sentence him to a lifetime of being a full time Cameo “artist.” I am sure he will make some 13-year-olds year by barking at her through a screen. 

Acting Benson Boone: Timothée Chalamet 

After leaving his “soft girl” era by dating Kylie Jenner, Chalamet is ready for a makeover. During the “Marty Supreme” media blitz, he made a song with UK Underground rapper EsDeeKid. I think Chalamet will join the #DRAINGANG I mean, Kylie loves rappers and Timmy is still waiting for her to propose.  

Bisexual Benson Boone: ROLE MODEL 

ROLE MODEL has all the yearn and former drug dealer je ne sais quoi that Benson Boone lacks. When he’s not writing an album about a situation where he was indeed the problem, he is likely getting an $800 cowboy hat to cosplay being blue collar. You know who else is the problem? Morgan Wallen. Switching to a more hick vibe and channeling his inner wine mom, ROLE MODEL will start using his real name again, Tucker Pillsbury. I can see it now: he opens a bake shop in Bakersfield, called “When the Wine Runs Out” that sells boozy cupcakes from Instagram Stories. He will marry a man named Darryl and they will go to Sturgis every year.  

Old Benson Boone: Shawn Mendes 

We are bringing back 2016? Keep Shawn Mendes underrated. I am sick of hearing about his older girlfriend and ayurvedic medicine it sounds like he did shrooms once and gained empathy. With this time off, I assume he will move to Havana to “align his chakras” and then gain class consciousness.  

Girl Benson Boone: Gracie Abrams 

Things have gotten so bad in the U.S. that Abrams has been universally blocked. Bows are no longer being stolen from Target by 16-year-olds girls who just got their license, and their mom’s klepto gene. Unfortunately, she has followed in Phoebe Bridger’s footsteps: Falling into the Paul Mescal and Daisy Jones Edgar love triangle. She will sadly die from a broken heart, by scrolling through their photos together on set.  

The Real © Benson Boone:  

The backflipping Mormon himself, Mr. Benson Boone. He was a swimmer at the BYU reject school, BYU-Idaho. Now he is a self described “Gay Icon,” despite only dating blondes with Utah hair. The good news for Xavier is that he has decided to commit as a swimmer, majoring in nursing, a “Murse” if you will. In an exclusive statement to Newswire: 

“I just think after the cancerous music I made, I need to help heal people from the side effects,” Boone said. 

Harry is back, and while we will “miss” the others, I can speak on behalf of everyone: it’s a fair trade.