SATIRE

By Audrey Elwood, Campus Editor

Move aside performative men, the REAL women’s ally is in town: Kim Jong Un. 

The glorious leader of North Korea has now named his daughter as successor. He is such a #GirlDad, I bet he is even making his male servants learn how to braid her hair. Everyone’s favorite geopolitical nepo baby is now making sure his daughter breaks those glass ceilings, and the will of her subjects. 

Kimmy is the new feminist icon we did not know we needed. He is up there with the greats: Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, known daughter lovers. With all the talk of the SAVE act, and regressing women’s rights in the U.S., it is good to know there is still a bastion of women’s rights, North Korea. 

He really shows his soft side for his daughter when some girls bullied her at school. Kimmy executed their parents in the school yard, and sent them to hard labor for the rest of their lives. Shows you how hands-on his servants are in her life. 

Sadly, this icon’s health is really going downhill, due to his diabetes and other chronic conditions. Being a traditionalist, he has also brought back gout. Real Kimmy has some “big back behaviors,” if you ask me. While his weight might be 308 pounds, he still has his .308 Winchester to back off anyone who may say he is not fit to be supreme leader, so he still has time. 

Women in North Korea have really seen life improvements since he has softened up in more ways than one. For instance, he recently approved more haircuts for women. Notably, the “reverse turkey special” has become popular, where women are allowed to have their hairlines regressed to match his. There is much variety in North Korea to think women are only allowed to have slick backs and Utah curls in the U.S., really shows you how advanced they are in the DPRK. 

In fact, women are getting the same opportunities as men now in North Korea.  Under Kimmy’s egalitarian leadership, women are allowed to work in the mines too. Now women will have the chance to get black lung the same way men do. This is real feminism, when women are not given choices, and treated exactly the same as men. 

There are new reports that he is going to be adding more diversity in his cabinet. He planning to add Dennis Rodman as head international negotiator. Rodman is notoriously reliable, stable and appeals to the conservative white guys that he will most definitely be working with. He will also be getting positivity running bros to show off the glorious Pyongyang, and no other section of the country. 

While he is the king of body positivity, he really prioritizes women’s health. He has been stating all the women in the country on the “great, superior, best, defeat the West diet,” in which they are only allowed to have meth. All the West can do is have Mike Tyson scream in your face about how “precessed food almosth thilled me,” leaving out the fact he was singlehandly supporting multiple Narco cartels. 

While many have tried to cancel Kim, he comes back bigger every time. It really just shows you how much prosperity there is in North Korea. I mean would it not just be so insulting to live such a lavish, gluttonous lifestyle, if the majority of people in the country are starving. Pyongyang even has a world class ski resort, does Washington D.C. have that? No, all they have is the slopes in their interns offices. 

We can only see what Kimmy Jr. will do. Maybe she will disarm their nuclear weapons, and finally give peace to east Asia, or maybe she will have a really good signature eye shadow look. Both are equally as important to North Korea’s new brand. The new slogan of the DPRK “All citizens are equal, but some are more equal than others,” really shows the new fabulous facade of human rights in North Korea <3.