Students lose hands in Hailstones

By: Handless Hank ~Corrupt Fireman~

Photo courtesy of | The bleeding hands of David DeLose lie motionless on the floor of Hailstones.

Disaster struck one of Xavier’s oldest classroom buildings again last week, as four more students lost their hands to the incessant water pressure of the men’s bathroom in the basement of Hailstones Hall.

Jeremy McMann, Kyle Fingerless, Pete Vardon and David DeLose all reported that the sink had taken at least one of their hands clean off.

“Holy shit, that hurt,” McMann, a sophomore communications major said immediately after the extreme water flow claimed his left hand in gruesome fashion. “I just needed a break from philosophy, man. And this is what I get? My left hand is gone! Fuck!”

McMann was rushed to the McGrath Health Center. “Doctors” were unable to identify the injury.

“It seems pretty bad, I’m not going to lie to you,” Dr. Freidrick Jackson said in one of McGrath’s rooms after attempting to diagnose the student.

“It seems like something might be missing, but honestly I don’t know what we can do for the kid. He might just have to let this one heal.”

No more than two hours later, a pair of first-year students, McMann and Delose made the same mistake.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Delose said.

“I just cranked the knob up to full blast and then, bang. Just like that. Both of my hands are on the floor. My bone was just sticking out. It hurts really bad, man. I think I might be losing blood quickly!”

Delose fell unconscious on the bathroom floor, but McGrath doctors were able to revive him after taping his wounds shut. McMann declined to comment.

“It was easy once we found the Gorilla tape,” Jackson said proudly.

It wasn’t until a prospective student, Kyle Fangerless, also lost one of his hands that the university jumped into action to prevent further horrific dismemberment at the hands of the school’s plumbing.

Father Michael Graham, president, offered an email apology to students as well as faculty, stating his outrage that these sinks have now taken the hands of more than 35 undergraduate and graduate students, in addition to the one prospective student.

“We just don’t know what to make of it,” Graham wrote in the campus-wide message that provided no clear option for solving the issue or intent to pursue it further. “We need to move forward as a community. Those sinks are crucial to our Jesuit heritage.”