By: Lucas Scott ~#3 Shooting Guard~

In 2015 Xavier police Lt. Grouch retired from his position in the Xavier Police Department only to return the next year as a parking attendant. Most students took this as a sign of Grouch’s hatred for illegal parkers. However, the lieutenant clarified that he actually cares about students.

“Most people think that I like writing tickets,” Grouch said. “I don’t actually appreciate it, I just want the students to park in the correct lots, even if we don’t actually provide them with fair parking spaces.”

When asked if he came back from retirement for parking tickets alone, Grouch said, “No, I don’t enjoy writing tickets, I just feel a slight satisfaction when one of those students has to spend their money on a parking tickets. Writing the tickets is actually tedious, I just love when students have to dip into their own funds to pay them off.”

An insider source said that Grouch never actually retired; he just went undercover as a student worker so that he could cite “illegal parkings” more effectively. One source, Frank Mahoney, said that Grouch intentionally staged his own retirement so that he could cite students who thought that he was gone for the summer.

In a private interview with Grouch, he stated that he doesn’t want students to fear his scrutinizing justice. His tickets are always correctly cited, even when he cites a student for being parked outside of Buenger while moving out.

“I don’t want to say that Jesus himself inspired me to cite students, but he is definitely an influence,” Grouch said. “I would think that St. Ignatius is the truest influence for me. Without his meditations, I would have never discovered the value of forcing poor college kids into more debt.”