Aries: You will sneeze and someone will say bless you. How wild is that?
Taurus: This will be the year of big decisions for you, from sandwich orders to relationships.
Gemini: Take a risk for the sake of humanity and try some Tide pods. The world needs to know. (Editor’s note: Please do not eat Tide pods, you will die.)
Cancer: Work will foil your weekend plans once again and ask you to come in on your day off.
Leo: Appreciate the finer things in life, like how it’s syllabus week!
Virgo: Detox yourself of all social media accounts except for the cute animal Instagrams.
Libra: 2018 is the year of the dog. Therefore, you should find all dogs on earth and tell them they are good boys.
Scorpio: School has barely begun and you’re already looking forward to no school on Monday.
Sagittarius: Lie and tell people how productive you were during break. You went on adventures (dreams) and discovered new things (food).
Capricorn: The best resolution for you is 1080p. It’s high definition!
Aquarius: It just dawned on you that you forgot something really important at home.
Pisces: New year, new you, new debt from buying books, same tears.
This post was assembled by Features Editor Monica Schweiger.