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SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Campus News Editor
It’s that time of year when your parents nagging for you to get a job becomes pestering. It’s the dreaded postgrad, where you become an adult as soon as your cap hits the ground. Great news, if you have perpetual Peter Pan syndrome, you too can never be an adult. Here are some convenient ways to seemingly skirt around adulthood forever.
After leaving Xavier and entering the real world as a full fledged adult, you will face the harsh reality of W-2s and bills. Maybe you should listen to those phone ads for Rocket Money… and download Royal Kingdom while you’re at it to make Kylie Jenner happy.
Chasing constant validation through academics because you never got validation from your parents can persist through grad school. For the low price of $150,000, you have the benefit of having a new Linkedin post, announcing acceptance at a D-tier for-profit college. I heard Phoenix University is having a two-for-one special on degrees.
What would differentiate you even more? Law school, of course. Nevermind that 76.2% more people are applying now compared to two years ago; you are the most special person ever. You will totally beat out a 10-year investment banker for that spot at Harvard law with your 3.1 GPA. Fun fact, after watching “Legally Blonde” 30 times, you are legally allowed to practice law in the state of North Dakota.
Done with school? Get the job perfect for anyone who has given up on life: bartending. Never live down your glory days at Cappy’s. You too can serve alcohol to first-years with fake IDs from Kansas. Alcoholism isn’t a problem if it’s your job.
If you decide to get a j*b, then it’s going to be a lot harder to Live Action Role Play (LARP) as unemployed. The truth is, an office job is one of the most detrimental things to your aura, almost as bad as going to a Benson Boone concert. The one way to save yourself from the effects is to pick up DJing. Yes, you will become the next John Summit, and you can make an accounting-themed EDM album. Who’s more unemployed than a full-time DJ? That’s right, nobody.
All in all, one day you will have to become a functioning adult. The right course of action here is to commit so quickly, you give the girl in an MLM from your high school whiplash. Maybe settle down with a guy named Tyler, who insists that his life long dream was to be a journeyman. If you act fast enough, you could have a child within nine months. There is an argument to be made to wait, but if you can’t shotgun a Cutwater at your shotgun wedding, then what really is the point?
The world does not need to break your spirit, young ho. You can have fun after college, and people won’t really become concerned about your drinking habits until you’re 25 (pack it up unc). The one wish I give to all the seniors is a comprehensive healthcare package and a 401(k) match of up to 5%. Be free, be young, but please do not tell me about your marathon.
