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SATIRE
By Grant Lemmenes, Guest Writer
WASHINGTON. In a late-night Truth Social livestream from the newly renamed “Golden Oval Office,” President Donald J. Trump announced Tuesday that he had appointed himself the Supreme Ayatollah of Iran, citing “tremendous spiritual guidance” from the ghost of the Iranian leader he drone-striked earlier this year.
“Folks, I was possessed. Beautiful possession, the best possession. And now I’m the Ayatollah. Number one Ayatollah, believe me,” Trump said, adjusting his white Taqiyah embroidered with “MAGA” in gold thread. “The previous guy? Total loser. Died like a dog. I took his soul, made it better, and now I’m running the show. I guess I am the dog now. The best dog. A dog like nobody else.”
The newest display on Trump Tower in Las Vegas is Trump sporting his freshly grown long gray beard and supporting his newest conquered country.
The announcement came hours after Trump posted on Truth Social a photoshopped image of himself sporting the full gray beard seen in viral AI art, standing atop Trump Tower, now flying a green-and-red Iranian flag.
Within minutes of his self-coronation, Ayatollah Trump issued a Fatwa of death on Pope Leo, labeling him “a low-energy globalist infidel who lets in the wrong kind of people” and ordering “all true American believers” to launch a 21st-century holy war on the Vatican.
“Pope Leo is finished. He cares for the poor and downtrodden. I don’t. I only like winners. Winners first. No more poor people,” Trump declared from a gilded prayer rug in the White House residence. “He’s weak on borders, weak on tariffs, and his hats are nothing compared to mine. We’re calling it a holy war the likes of which you’ve never seen before, but this time we win in the first week, and it’s going to be huge.”
He also announced that Italian wine tariffs would be raised to 666% until the pope “admits I’m the greatest religious leader ever.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed that the president had already begun construction on a 300-foot minaret atop the Washington Monument and renamed his sons “Uthman Jr.,” “Suleiman Barron” and “Eric the Magnificent.”
Christian religious leaders who once called Trump “God’s chosen warrior” were left scrambling. One prominent pastor, speaking on condition that he not be identified because he was now converting to avoid the fatwa, exclaimed, “Hey, he was only supposed to make a perversion of our faith.”
JD Al-Vance has taken all of his philosophies from OJ Simpson’s book, even the Bronco chase. He makes it his mission to shut down the highways in Cincinnati when he visits!
JD Al-Vance, still under active investigation for potentially killing the last pope, has been named Grand Vizier of Holy War Logistics and was seen boarding a flight to Rome with a golden shovel and a copy of The Art of the Deal and If I Did It by OJ Simpson translated into Farsi.
Later, in an apparent attempt to quiet criticism, Trump reportedly called a local imam for “spiritual advice,” only for the Imam to sigh and remind the president that turning religion into a vehicle for ego and power was a perversion of faith, not an expression of it. Trump, nodding proudly, reportedly replied, “Exactly. And the amazing thing is, nobody’s ever done it in two religions before. I already did it with Christianity. Very successfully.”
