Aprils Fools

Arts get $$$$, sports students really pissed

Photo courtesy of Loyola Camera High protestors and Humanities Commons | Sports students protest outside of Loyola Camera High after all sports programs were defunded in favor of the arts. One of the protest signs is pictured above.


Local Cincinnati high school Toyola Camera High released its latest budget today.

Most surprising about the budget — not including the pay increase for teachers that they obviously deserve — is that Toyola has decided to slash all sports funding in favor of funding arts programs like music, theater and painting.

“Honestly, these kids deserve it,” Principal Morticia Borthen said. “I see theater kids staying late after hours despite all of their homework just so they can rehearse. I see music kids alone in the choir room and practice rooms running their songs. I see painting kids tucked away in the back corners of the school trying to finish a portrait. They deserve to have an easier life. After all, they’re all going to be crushed under massive debt in this economy. We might as well give them some kind of hope.”

The funding will be going toward various supplies that art students desperately need. The theater department will no longer operate on a budget of $14 and some twine they stole from the wood shop. The music department will have a specific fund set aside for spit valves. The art department will be able to buy enough disinfectant and paint remover to get that one persistent maroon paint stain off the desk in the back that former student Kyle Namori left behind before he graduated like the inconsiderate jerk he is.

When asked about how the removal of funding for the athletic department will affect students who actively participate in the sports programs, Borthen laughed and continued eating a ham sandwich she produced from her desk drawer.

Football coach Leon Carter was contacted for comments, but he refused to give any statements on the budget. Instead, he showed up at the news studio with a pocket knife and tried to stab our secretary, Helena Yuga, who choke-slammed Carter into a fountain.

Student-atheltes have begun staging protests outside Toyola in opposition to the budget. Chanting resonates throughout all of the classes, but the rest of the student body appears unaffected by the protests.

“They don’t even show up to class half the time anyway,” student Kimmy Cho said. “All we do is shut the window, and it’s back to the way it’s always been.”


By: Trever McKenzie ~Unbiased Arts Journalist~