Aprils Fools

DREAM act for naps

Photo courtesy of Where Learning Clicks | Father Michael Graham, president, has advocated for the DREAM Act since Coffee Emporium’s absence has left students dozing off in class.


The day is finally drawing to a close. After an exhausting day of classes your body aches for the sweet catharsis of your twin XL. Your pajamas are on, your teeth are brushed and your Tamagotchi is fed. At last it is time for sleep.

As you crawl into your warm bed you open your phone to scroll through Instagram. Twenty minutes later, you find yourself checking to see who watched your Snapchat story. After that, you impulse-buy three bathing suits on Amazon.

Your eyes are strained, burning with a thirst for rest. Before shutting off your phone, you check the clock and find that it is now 1:37 a.m., and you calculate that you have five hours and 23 minutes before you need to wake up. Shit.

“Students our age need 7-9 hours of sleep at night,” sophomore psychology major Dart Agnon said. “Unfortunately, that often doesn’t happen on college campuses. Xavier students are no exception.”

According to Professor Blob, this problem isn’t new, but he fears for the future.

“It’s incredibly common for students to fall asleep in my 8 a.m. sections, it happens about once or twice a semester,” Blob said. “But with Coffee Emporium leaving I predict this will triple in frequency.”

Students from the Dozing All Class Association (DACA) are furious about Coffee Emporium’s removal. Club President junior Si Esta called for action at the rally last Friday, where more than 75 students eventually arrived after snoozing three alarms.

“The response is clear,” Esta asserted. “Students need caffeine to thrive on this campus.” The peaceful protest took a dramatic turn when one student decided to pour hot coffee over his body in solidarity. “I felt I had robust grounds to do so,” Joe Brewster said, “Next week, I’ll be dumping dirty Chai into the O’Connor pool!”

Father Michael Graham, president, along with many faculty and staff, are calling for a better solution. Last Sunday, Graham announced that he backs a more holistic fix.

“Coffee is a reactionary solution,” Graham said. “Students need to practice Cura Personalis by putting down the Fortnite when it’s time to sleep.”

McGrath Health and Wellness Center, along with the Resident Student Association, are working together to form a DREAM Act for students to solve their sleep deprivation without footing an expensive bill from O’Connor.


By: Brittany Wells ~DJ Mix Master~

Categories: Aprils Fools, Campus News