Father B. causes Catholic crisis

Al Bischoff, S.J., Emeritus Campus Minister, affectionately dubbed “Father B,” sparked a worldwide scandal in the Catholic Church in January when he proclaimed that anyone who eats at All for Subs in Gallagher Student Center (GSC) “won’t go to hell.”

This claim is not a new one, as the Church has had to deal with issues of indulgences in the past. However, while the Church has had experience dealing with controversies in recent memory, ConneX is struggling to meet the newfound demand for their food.

“I was there before Father B made this wild announcement,” first-year Jennifer Boodles said, “and they ran out of bread. I can’t imagine what kind of hell the workers are experiencing right now.”

ConneX, while initially pleased with the demand, is now considering renovating the basement in GSC to accommodate the many pilgrims wishing to purchase their indulgences. It is expected to have limited hours, with the renovations beginning immediately and lasting until winter 2666.

Martin Luther has reportedly rolled over in his grave after hearing that the Catholic Church made the recent switch from indulgences to Italian Subs.

Fr. B may not remain a priest much longer. An excommunication trial is expected to begin in August and wrap up before the Health United Building is completed in November.

By: Bert-Knee Whales | Night Rider