Aprils Fools

Lime to debut Strawberry line

Students won’t be the only users of Lime scooters come next fall. The company recently announced it will bring its new Strawberry line of scooters, specially designed for animals, beginning in August.

These scooters, which measure between seven and 11 inches tall and four to six inches long, are fashioned with neon pink decals and can accommodate a variety of body types.

Lime’s target audience? Squirrels.

“The motorized scooter market for small furry mammals is blowing up right now,” a Lime sales representative said in an exclusive interview with the Newswire. “There’s a demand for them, and Xavier just seems like the best place to do it.”

Squirrels have faced extreme levels of difficulty getting to the west side of campus because of the large amount of foot traffic near the Academic Mall and the increase in student population throughout the last few years.

“Squeak squeak, squeaky squeak, squeak squeaky squeaky,” a resident of Kuhlman Tree #2 near Gallagher Student Center (GSC) said. She added she feels the squirrels have really built up this reputation, similar to cats, in hopes of pushing the student body to accept their needs for alternative transportation methods.

Logistically speaking, the Strawberry scooters are easily charged thanks to an ingeniously invented battery that relies on students’ tears. ConneX representatives suggested searching in any of the general biology, chemistry or anatomy classes for willing volunteers. They also suggested looking for students eating pancakes at 3 a.m. in the basement of GSC.

In terms of payment, using the scooters will cost the squirrels roughly three hazelnuts or a mini 10 mL ounce jar of Nutella. No plastic.

When it comes to parking, ConneX didn’t comment, but given the many, varied and unusual places students park them, it shouldn’t be a problem.

“Safety is out the window at this point,” the Lime sales representative said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we see the Strawberries parked in nearby trees or conveniently placed right in the middle of the paths as a sign of love and adoration for the Xavier community.”

They did warn, however, that any mishandling of the Strawberries by a student, either out of anger or frustration, will prompt the Strawberry to take a horrible selfie of the offender and play “Witch Doctor” by Alvin and the Chipmunks for 10 hours. This step aims to deter anyone from messing with or destroying Lime property. “You break it…then EVERYONE pays the price,” the representative said.

The squirrels have also been in talks with ConneX to boost their social media presence and in turn have been given super sick merch deals in exchange for a select few squirrels to have Go-Pros attached to them. The merch includes Xavier spirit wear, sunglasses and free textbooks.

McGrath Health and Wellness Center representatives said they are are excited to work with Xavier’s new furry friends and will be offering free helmets to the squirrels. As of now, students do not receive free helmets. Father Michael Graham, president, even mentioned he is excited for them to come to campus and can’t wait to scooter with them.

The Strawberries are set to arrive in August and will cost the student body a 4.01 percent increase in tuition.


By: Daisy Hofstetter | Coffee… Intellectual

Categories: Aprils Fools, Campus News