St. Louis, wtf are you doing with your bagels?

Alright St. Louis, I’ve got some questions. How the hell do you mess up bagels?

The recent controversy over the way you slice your bagels simply disgusts me. How on earth do you slice your bagels like its just a normal loaf of bread?

Is nothing sacred to you? Do you want to mess with the forces of nature?

First off, you’re just throwing off the whole cream cheese to bagel ratio. When you slice it at the middle, you almost always have more bread than cream cheese. That way you’re eating a normal amount of cheese per bagel. But when you slice it like bread, you’re going to have to put cream cheese on each slice. This is unnatural. If I were to put a tub of cream cheese in front of you and said “eat this whole thing” you would look at me like I was an insane man. But what St. Louis is doing with the way they eat their bagels is exactly that.

I have also got another question for the people of St. Louis. Would you put cream cheese on a piece of toast? No? Then why on earth would you slice bagels and do exactly that! You’re just eating toast from a different type of loaf.

I think what bothers me most about this is that it does nothing to bring a unique kind of flavoring to bagels. There is no battle between the way St. Louis and another way of slicing bagels. This is no battle like Chicago deep dish and New York thin slice pizza (where Chicago is the clear winner). There simply is the right way and the wrong way of slicing bagels, and St. Louis is clearly doing it the wrong way.

I have made plenty of friends from St. Louis in my time here at Xavier University. But now I feel like I need to confront them on the way the bagels are sliced in their hometown because they seem perfectly fine with it. They seem to think that this is an OK way to eat a bagel and are surprised that other people from outside of St. Louis think it’s heinous.

My friends have tried explaining to me that the horizontal slice is still the norm, but the bread sliced way is more for group functions. This still does not invalidate any of my previous points. It just means that they like to commit this atrocity in large groups instead of in private.

Even the parent company of their beloved St. Louis Bread Company, Panera, can’t seem to decide what’s right. Clearly they are trying to keep the local St. Louis population, but the fact that they are expressing doubt shows that deep down they think it’s wrong.

I have been eating at Panera for as long as I can remember. My dad even spends more time working there than at his own home office. I even remember both times an old woman crashed into the window trying to hit the brake but instead hit the gas on their way to get a horizontal bagel. It truly is the only way to slice a bagel.

This is why Kris Bryant says St. Louis is boring.

Just Dunn is just a guy who is passionate about properly sliced bagels to ensure we don’t slip into barbarism. #GoCubsGO