XUPD recruits go nuts for new job

The Xavier University Police Department (XUPD) has decided to put one of Xavier University’s biggest assets to work: squirrels. With concerns rising about the lack of police presence on campus, XUPD Chief Robert Warfel said he drew on his previous FBI experience in coming up with a creative solution: Why not recruit squirrels, “the most reliable and most courageous Musketeers of all?”

“They’re everywhere,” he said. “Those squirrels are bold enough to confront any threat this campus might encounter. Frat parties, break-ins, earthquakes, you name it!”

Warfel reassured that the squirrels are well trained to handle crisis. They also offer a unique skill set that not only helps them enforce campus policies but also connect with Xavier students. “People seem to like them,” Warfel said.

Although these furry recruits weren’t supposed to start until fall semester of 2019, recent threats to campus security have pushed XUPD to begin stationing squirrels around campus. Students are encouraged to start carrying around nuts and acorns to establish relationships with the new officers.

On-duty squirrels will be equipped with a police vest, badge, Taser and, of course, handcuffs. But they are not only here to enforce the law.

“Of course safety is our top priority, but we’re also here to serve the Xavier community,” said Trixie Nutkin, the Deputy Chief of XU Squirrel Force One, through a translator.

She added that the vests carry things for officers to distribute for student use, such as snacks or phone chargers. “If students and staff ever need any sort of help at all, they should know that they can always chase down one of us. We really want to be here to serve the Xavier community,” Nutkin said.

Many students have expressed full support for this addition to XUPD.

“I mean, these squirrels are basically cats,” first-year biology major Jane Albers. “I don’t know why XUPD didn’t think of this sooner.”

Junior political science major Joe Schmoe agreed and said he’d rather get help from these new officers than human members of XUPD.

“Students are more able to trust the new officers due to their adorable and harmless nature,” Schmoe said. “If I need help, I’d much rather avoid the human interaction and get help from a more delightful little creature.”

Human XUPD officers are also on board.

“I’ll admit, at first I thought Chief Warfel was nuts. I wasn’t so sure these little guys would be able to handle it,” officer Lou Tennant said, “that is, until after I witnessed first-hand that they have absolutely no problem approaching Xavier residents. Then I began to realize the genius behind this idea. As the chief said, these officers are tough.”

Both Tennant and Nutkin said the department will take time to adjust but added that both species are eager to begin working together.

Critics argue that the new officers are not “nut allergy friendly.” Squirrel Force One declined to respond.

The only officers not so thrilled with the newest recruits are those in the K9 Unit.

“These squirrels are nothing but trouble,” canine commissioner Barkley Pawsbourne barked. “They will not stop giving us problems, and my colleagues and I are sick of their relentless tormenting. And our rookies just can’t deal with them. You’d think that after years of our loyal service to this department that they would’ve taken our concerns seriously before making such a big change like this.”

K9 detective Sherlock Bones agreed and lamented: “Is this really how you’re going to treat man’s best friend? I’ve been on the force for years, and we’ve always been fine without these pests around.”

The K9 Unit shared that they have plans to go on strike in the near future but declined further comment. The Newswire will continue to investigate this story.

By: Doreen Green | Squirrel Correspondent