U.S. & World News

USA Today becomes USA Yesterday

Move comes after sale to Church of Scientology in late Feb., last online article Mar. 30

Its a picture of a map of the United States in the past. Get it? A picture of the USA Yesterday? I think it’s pretty funny. Yep I’m still bad at captions, but I think this a pretty funny one. Here’s a simple sentence that fills space.

The internationally distributed newspaper formally known as USA Today announced on Thursday that they will transition to print-only publication and change the paper’s name to USA Yesterday. The move comes after the paper was sold to the church of Scientology in late February. The last online article went live on March 30th.

“The internet is not the path to God,” said Reverend Tom Cruise in a statement. “We must do everything we can to take the world away from the wicked ways of online distribution. For thousands of readers who relied on our digital content, we pray that you can find light in your life and move past your sinful ways.” The statement goes on to condemn theater majors and blame them for spreading the COVID-19 virus. 

The new ownership also let go of editor-in-chief Nicole Carroll. “If you used an Ad-blocker, there is a special circle in hell reserved for you,” Carroll said over twitter. “Y’all cost me my damn job.” She went on to state that she didn’t party at Arizona State University and watch losing basketball at Georgetown for four years each just to get chopped off the career ladder here.

The church of Scientology chose to go with John Travolta for the editor-in-chief role. “They asked me what a pilot was during the interview,” Travolta said. “I didn’t know. I got real nervous. I was surprised they went with me.” He went on to talk about how good he was in Grease.

President Trump expressed excitement over the change in management. “I’m great friends with (Travolta), best friends, as some would say,” Trump said during a press conference. “The fake news can have the internet. We have the paper and, believe me, it’s so soft.” With Darth Vader standing over his shoulder, he went on to say that he was confident the new management will cover him in a more honest light. 

The move to print publication comes as a shock to many analysts in the space. With the decline of revenue generated in print media, most people expected USA Today to transfer to the distribution of Snapchat exclusively in an attempt to pull market share away from ‘Daquan’ and ‘FJerry.’

With toilet paper in short supply, many Xavier students are happy they will have another option for taking care of business. “With the shortage of toilet paper, I was glad to hear that USA Today was pumping more soft paper into the market,”  senior economics major Nat R. Day said via pigeon message. “I think this, along with Charmin central reserves’ recent announcement of lowering interest rates are going to help return price levels to normal.”

Some troglodyte I found in the basement of Alter said he was happy the world is finally returning to normal. “All this online crap you young kids are into is no good for yerr brains,” Barnaby said.. “Isn’t there something special about a cup of coffee and a print newspaper?”