U.S. & World News

Wyoming Population Reaches Two

Two people remain after fears over COVID-19, Census Bureau confirms to Newswire

By: Robert

This was the first image result on Google that came up when I searched “Wyoming” thats “labeled for reuse. Can
you tell that I don’t like writing captions for the article pictures? Yeah, it sucks. So anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

The population of Wyoming, the least populous state, decreased from 577,737 to 2 over the weekend. The two remaining inhabitants, Jackson Harrington and Henry Millowski, reside in Niobara county, formerly the state’s least populous county. Thermal density tracking suggests all residents left at 2:00 A.M. on Sunday.

Dr. Elliot Lattimer of the U.S. Census Bureau attributed the rapid population decline to what he calls the “Get me the hell out of here” effect.

 “In times of crisis, it is common for people to hunker down in their homes where they feel safest and most comfortable,” Lattimer explained . “Such is not the case with Wyoming, which is an example of what we here at the Census Bureau call a D.U.Z. or Drearily Uninhabitable Zone. Inhabitants of D.U.Z.’s often abandon the safety of their home, preferring the chance of serious bodily harm or death over living another moment in the barren, cow filled wasteland they call home” Lattimer added . 

Georgina Skitzlak, a former resident of Wyoming, explained her decision to leave, “I just couldn’t take it anymore, I hated the place and everyone in it, not that there is anyone in it. So when I heard the virus was coming, I told my husband, Bertha, and our kids; Bertha, Bertha and Matt, to pack up cause we’re moving to Seattle, Washington” Skitzlak said. “I don’t fear death as much as I fear dying in Wyoming,”  Skitzlak added, explaining that she has been preparing to escape Wyoming for years. 

Millowski expressed shock at the situation, “What do you mean there’s only two people left? Who’s the other person? It better not be that commie Harrington, I don’t know how I’ll survive if it is,” Millowski said. “And we’re not the least populous state’s least populous county anymore! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take to change all of the signs?” Millowski screamed. 

Harrington had a more positive outlook on the situation, “Well at least I’ve still got my cows and Kanye West… Oh, Kanye’s gone too? Well then, at least I’ve still got my cows” Harrington said.

Even if the two remaining residents wished to leave, they would be unable due to a Supreme Court ruling stating “Wyoming must retain two residents in order to fill Senate Seats.” A third resident to fill a House of Representatives seat was not deemed necessary as according to Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, “Mitch McConnell’s Senate Majority is the only thing worth protecting in this country.”

“They want me? But I’m an anarcho-syndicalist” Harrington said upon being informed of his appointment to the U.S. Senate.

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