The Back Page-10/29/20

Bunkers to Hide in During the Election Fallout

by Erin Albright 

In case you haven’t heard, the presidential election is next Tuesday. I’ve found myself so worried about how the country will react that I’ve started considering what bunker I will move to when everyone goes crazy. Let me walk you through my hunt for underground shelters.

         As I searched on Zillow (with the property type set to “bunker” of course), I came across this cool secret door underneath a kitchen cabinet. It is so comforting to know that in this home, even when I am getting a snack, I am just feet away from safety. No one expects a bunker in a kitchen, so this would be extra protective. This is a great option for anyone who spends a lot of time snacking, or if you would want to bring your dinner with you should trouble arise.

I continued looking, but it turns out I had forgotten to set my price range to “cheap college student” during my search and came across this. How cool would it be to look at fish while society is collapsing 100 feet above me?! These fish would have no idea what’s even happening in the human world. They’d just be swimming around per usual, and I’d love to spend my days watching them. If only I could understand how they got a fish tank underwater…

         Unfortunately, I had to be realistic with myself (and my low, low budget) and come to the conclusion that my bunker will probably end up looking like this. I’d eventually drive myself crazy and the place would be trashed. The upside to this bunker is that it has a small window, even though it is kind of blocked off. At least the thought was there.


What role the stars thinking you should play in the upcoming apocalypse

Aries: Generic Leader Type. Someone had to be the boring main character leader-type, and you’re at the top of the list, so tough toodles. 

Taurus: The one who actually gets sh*t done. You’re the one actually going out and scavenging for food and fresh water while everyone else is just sitting around and moping about “the end of the world” and “their dead families.” 

Gemini: The gamer. You’ve played enough video games, so you’re pretty sure you’ve got this “armageddon” thing under control. You’ll die first. 

Cancer: The one with a secret. You’re the type to get bit by a zombie and not tell anyone. Good way to get the whole group killed, d*ck. 

Leo: The one who dies ripping their vape. You really couldn’t wait to get your nic fix until after the mutant murder hornets stopped chasing you? 

Virgo: The love interest. You’ll live a pretty cushy life for a while, but sooner or later either you or your partner are dying tragically in a tear-jerking season finale. 

Libra: The dead weight. The apocalypse equivalent of the guy in your zoom breakout room who doesn’t say anything. 

Scorpio: The one who makes it to the end. You’ll live to see a new world rise from the ashes, one ruled by a ruler we can all agree on: Jeb Bush. 

Sagittarius: The one who thinks it’ll all blow over soon. Yeah, I’m sure you also think Bernie still has a chance. 

Capricorn: The one who always fights with the leader. Every self-respecting group of survivors needs someone constantly arguing with and undermining the leader for the sake of contrived infighting. 

Aquarius: The conspiracy theorist. Even after the bombs have fallen and Western civilization has collapsed, you still somehow think it’s all George Bush’s fault. 

Pisces: The cult leader. Someone needs to keep spreading the good word of Father Graham.