Aries: Kiwis can remember bad memories for up to five years, just like how you’ll never forget that embarrassing thing you did your first year,
Taurus: Ohio didn’t turn blue this election. Somehow this is your fault.
Gemini: Tomorrow you’ll wake up and your day will be so fine until — boom! You remember golf still exists.
Cancer: Soon fall break will be upon us and all your friends will leave you. Don’t worry, they’ll have a ton of fun with their friends at home while you anxiously await their return.
Leo: This week you’re gonna reach for your favorite cereal only to discover that your roommate finished it all and put the empty box back.
Virgo: You’re going to get into all the classes you want next semester! Unfortunately, they’ll all be taught by professors rated 3 or lower on RateMyProfessor.
Libra: You’re going to get asked out this week… by a member of the Newswire editorial staff (throw up emoji).
Scorpio: Happy almost/belated birthday! I hope you feel blessed by the knowledge that you were most likely conceived on Valentine’s day.
Sagittarius: Your favorite show is going to get cancelled. And before you ask, no, there’s no chance for a Netflix revival.
Capricorn: Watch out: tomorrow you will go to an RA event solely for the food and get roped into a 30-minute resume building seminar.
Aquarius: Every cute dog you see on campus this week will be a service dog that you are not allowed to pet.
Pisces: The stars foresee you getting busted by either a mall cop or an XUPD officer. They can’t know for sure because it’s hard to tell the difference.
HaaHHGGHGffff (haw-HG-guh-guff): Exasperation mixed with disbelief. Crazed laughter also frequently accompanies this scream.
UUUHHHHGHhhhhppp (UH-guh-pa): Angry sigh. May be paired with the occasional FIP (Face-In-Pillow).
FUuuuurrrghhihhittt (FUH-urh-ghi-hit): The censored scream. Creative stream of foul language remixed into a huff of air.
Mmmmfghhgh-AHHH (mm-fug-hug-AHH): Catch and release. The potential scream energy is pent up and expended at an impressive velocity.
GGGGRRHHHgggg (GER-hug): produced at the sight of an exceptionally fluffy and cute creature.
WAAAAAAAAAHHH (WAH): Intimidation scream, patented by WAH grandmaster, Waluigi. Brings fear into the heart of racists and Bowser alike.