Features

Back Page: 11/12/20

Father Graham Responds to the Satire Edition

by Emma Stevens, staff writer

After reading Newswire’s last issue, our satire edition, Father P. Graham requested to comment on his portrayal. 

First and foremost, he would like to issue a formal apology for the release of his uncouth statement to the next president. He has changed the password to his email account, which had been MuskieMaster1234. Security has been heightened to prevent any further unfortunate leaks. 

He would like to assure the parents of incoming students that the ungodly amounts of money that they spend in order to send their children here are put to good use supporting our athletes and erecting buildings that will not be completed by the time their children graduates. All for One!

Father P. Graham would also like to squash the rampant rumors circulating about his sweet ride. Graham says, “My Maserati was a gift from a former Xavier basketball player. No tuition money was used to purchase said vehicle.” 

Anyone who would like to suggest otherwise can join Father Graham for a spaghetti dinner (even if they do not live in the Commons Apartments), and hush money will be distributed in the form of merit scholarships and tickets to the Crosstown Shootout.

As his time here at Xavier comes to an end, Father P. Graham would like to remind us of all the positive things he has accomplished while serving as president of the university. Though he did not appreciate being exposed, Father P. Graham did cherish the recognition of all his amazing work. “I basically built this entire campus. You’re welcome.”

Sadly, Michael J. Graham, S.J., President of Xavier University, was not available to comment at this time, but his secretary directed us to Father P. Graham, a random old man who lives in the Commons as well. Thank you to Mr. Graham for your wonderful contributions to the Xavier community and your cooperation with Newswire.


Overheard at Xavier

by Morgan Miles, staff writer

Weird, wacky and wild quotes heard from students and faculty around campus. Hear something funny you want to see featured? Send it to milesm5@xavier.edu.

“Peter is the dumbass of the disciples” – Dr. Mescher, theology professor, spitting facts

“I think I just lost calories” – Laila Sappington, out of breath after one flight of stairs

“Pluto” – Jackson Reppart, responding to Jeopardy prompt ‘The smallest city in the world’

“Jeff Bezos” – Ellie Honabarger, responding to Jeopardy prompt ‘Youngest billionaire in 2019’

“Sears Tower” – Rebecca Lane, responding to Jeopardy prompt ‘Largest mountain in the US’

“Forget the taxes, I want Donald Trump’s penis size” – Jack Arnold, unprompted 

“I’m not a disappointment, I’m a doctor’s appointment” – Alaina Francel, upon waking up

“Ur mum is a failed state” – Sophia Rusch, using her political science major to roast mothers


Horoscopes

Aries: You are going to have a close call with COVID-19 and will need to be quarantined off campus.

Taurus: You may find yourself staring at the massive pair of breasts carved into the side of the HUB. Just keep walking, king, she’s not the one for you.

Gemini: Be more decisive this week. Either go to that club you signed up for on Club Day two years ago or remove yourself from its email list. 

Cancer: Turn your symbol 90 degrees for a sexy glimpse into your future (monkey covering eyes emoji).

Leo: The semester’s almost over, so you better spend your dining dollars quick. Eat a steady diet of 513 Burger for breakfast, Fujisan for lunch and Currito for dinner. 

Virgo: Fenwick Hall may be renamed to “Justice Hall.” Your residence hall will be renamed “Bat Hall” to keep the theme of renaming buildings after Bruce Wayne’s favorite things. 

Libra: You’re gonna take a massive L this week, but don’t worry about it. Just use the GOP strategy of pretending it didn’t happen.

Scorpio: This week, you will be featured on XUFM. Unfortunately, to listen to XUFM, you need to use Mixlr, so the number of people who hear you will be equal to the number of people you know who use Mixlr. 

Sagittarius: The stars ain’t never seen two pretty best friends. Luckily, you don’t have a best friend. 

Capricorn: A second American Civil War is brewing. The side you’re on is already determined: did you buy a PS5 or an Xbox Series X? If you own a Switch, you’re a border state. 

Aquarius: Unfortunately, I delegated uncovering your horoscope to the vote counters in Nevada, so expect it some time in early December. 

Pisces: This week, randomly do something nice for one of your friends. But not Joseph. F*ck Joseph.

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