Features

The Back Page: 11/19/20

The Roast Page

Having COVID-19 was the best part of the semester because for a whole two weeks I didn’t have to live with you. – Sebastian Aguilar, my roommate

Aidan, you look like the kind of guy who I’d find in the back of a gas station selling alcohol to high schoolers just so someone out there will call him cool. – Miles Morgan

Has the copy editing team tried using Google spell check? It would probably do better than they have the past semester.  – Miles Morgan

^This you? – copy editing team 

When I picture someone who played trumpet for their marching band in high school… you are who I picture – Griffin Brammer

If you were to tell me you owned a legitimate katana… I would not be surprised – Griffin Brammer

I picture you as someone who used to be an avid fan of My Little Pony, a Brony if you will, and you probably shipped rainbow dash with your own MLP pony original character – Griffin Brammer

When people on TikTok make fun of people named Aidan, you are the Aidan they are talking about – Griffin Brammer

Aidan Callahan doesn’t have a forehead.

He has a 5head. – Joseph Cotton

It’s the being reminded about an event that was important to his boss for two months and not setting an alarm the night before for me 😢 – Heather Gast

This man is one newsboy cap away from looking like the public schooler who played Pokemon with the homeschoolers. – HG

I commented on how Aidan looked like he was a sweet kid who would be a contestant on Fetch with Ruff Ruffman in a picture. He told me the picture was taken three years ago. – HG

I spent my valuable time showing this man how to put together Instagram stories of horoscopes after I let him off the hook for newsletter articles, and he has proceeded to never make an Instagram story. #Disappointing. – HG

He also said he could do a “Quack Page” on medical malpractice and that also has never materialized. Don’t try to appease me, Aidan. It’s too late now. – HG

Say what you want about Aidan Callahan or his fashion sense, he’s got the “slightly hungover dad going to pick up the morning paper at the end of the driveway” look on lock. – Charlie Gstalder

He’s the only guy I know who wears jeans that were ripped organically – CG


Roastionary by Tess Brewer

“Your bottomless barrel of bodacious burns™”

Khak (Cak): Style pioneered by Mr. Callahan, like the sexual result of a hobo and a muppet (sometimes Brawny man inspired if a plaid shirt gets in there).

Sh*t-Pun-Mouth-Disease (SPMD for short): Not contagious at all, very particular to Mr. Callahan. However, groans do abound. 

Edirdir (Eh-der-der):  Instead of breaking into the Pentagon with his editing skillz, Mr. Callahan prefers to edit the Back Page     .


Horoscopes

Aries: Welp, with this new curfew in place there’ll be no more hanging out with your friends at night. Except, of course, for Burger 513, the only friend you’ll ever need. 

Taurus: Well, would you look at the time! It’s time for you to have a mental breakdown and cut your bangs!

Gemini: There’s nothing more intimate than when your dentist wipes drool residue off your cheek. Cherish those little moments. 

Cancer: Wander around campus for a while until you run into Father B. This may be your last chance to get called a saint and potentially expose him to COVID-19.

Leo: Your break will only be enjoyable if you play Dungeons & Dragons at least once. This isn’t a prediction, it’s a threat. 

Virgo: You’re adopted. Or, wait, you’re adorable? Sh*t, I can’t read Mercury’s handwriting. You’re either adopted or adorable, figure it out for yourself. 

Libra: You’re lucky to be leaving campus so soon; these squirrels have gotten bold, and there’s been talk of revolt. 

Scorpio: Start preparing for Secret Santa early this year. Last Christmas you really dropped the ball with that minion t-shirt.

Sagittarius: Go caroling this holiday season. All your neighbors will hate it but you’ll have a gay ole’ time. 

Capricorn: This new 10 p.m. curfew is gonna suck; unless, of course, you’re an XUPD officer, in which case, congratulations! You actually have something to do now. 

Aquarius: 星占いはありません。私はあなたをだましました。あなたをファック

Pisces: Have a Xavier-themed Christmas this year! Eat Three Musketeer Bars, Father Graham Crackers and of course Fenwick’s favorite, Racist Peanut Butter Cups.

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