The Mascot Games
Here on the Back Page, we don’t know much about basketball. What we do know is how funny mascots are and how much we want them to fight each other.
Luckily, we’ve kidnapped all the mascots and are forcing them to fight one another to the death. In a similar vein to The Hunger Games, we are letting them duke it out Battle Royale style on a neutral battlefield that gives no mascot an unfair advantage.
Without further ado, let’s see what happens.
Xavier vs Seton Hall
As the game of death starts there are clear fights breaking out, the first being between D’artagnan and The Pirate. The fight of blue guys with swords is neck and neck with neither giving up any ground.
D’artagnan (the sneaky bastard) throws his hat at the swashbuckling sea rover, blinding him briefly. With this opening, the Musketeer punctures The Pirate for a confirmed kill.
Winner: D’artganan, one elimination
The Dogs: Butler vs. Villanova vs. Georgetown vs. UConn
The four dog mascots start duking it out, biting and gnashing and the like. Unfortunately for the three Bulldogs, the newcomer from UConn, Jonathan the Husky, obliterates the generic rabble.
Winner: Jonathan the Husky, three eliminations
The Birds: St. John’s vs. Marquette vs. Creighton
St John’s Johny Thunderbird makes a bee-line for his bird rival from Nebraska, Billy Blue Jay. Feathers fly everywhere and the scraping of talons leaves both a bloody mess.
Johnny Thunderbird comes out on top between the two. However, Iggy the Golden Eagle sets his sights on a battered bird. Iggy easily suplexes Johnny into the arena to eliminate the Thunderbird once and for all.
Winner: Iggy, one elimination
Providence vs. DePaul vs. Xavier (again)
The age old fight between Heaven and Hell rages on in the fight between the Friar and the Blue Demon — and our very own Blue Blob.
As Friar Dom starts chanting “The power of Christ compels you,” both the Blue Demon and the Blue Blob retch in agony and slink back to wherever the hell they came from.
Winner: Friar Dom, two eliminations
Round 2: The Final Four
With only four mascots left in the game of death, Jonathan the Husky, Iggy the Eagle, Friar Dom and D’artagnan are prepared to do anything to win.
The husky and the golden eagle channel their animal instincts, glaring at each other before they lunge for the other’s throat. Iggy goes for the jugular and it’s a critical hit; Jonathan the Husky doesn’t even have time to get a blow in.
In the madness, D’artagnan (that damn sneaky bastard) gets behind the Friar and pulls his hood over his eyes before swiftly stabbing him in the back.
Winners: D’artagnan and Iggy, one elimination each
Finals: Marquette vs. Xavier
Iggy the Golden Eagle and D’artagnan the Musketeer dramatically charge toward one another. Each thrust of the Musketeer’s rapier is met with the claws of the eagle, and neither are gaining ground.
The pair trade glancing blows until Iggy flips behind the Musketeer, clawing his back in the process. The Muskie lets out a yelp and falls backwards, his rapier incidentally piercing Iggy in the process.
Though it was out of luck, the blow proved deadly, leaving the dashing D’artagnan as the victor.
We still gotta keep him hostage, though. We don’t want him telling the police about the horrible war crimes we just committed.
Champion: D’artagnan, three eliminations
By: Sebastian Aguilar
The Stars Determine What Type of Basketball Shot You Are
Aries: Slam dunk. You think you’re sooo cool, but all that coolness would disappear if you were 5-foot-1.
Taurus: A simple layup. You’re humble, but reliable. And I respect that. Keep doing your thing, king.
Gemini: Jump shot. You make one quick, forceful movement and then, boom, you’ve released your shot in under five seconds. And yes, this is a metaphor for your sex life.
Cancer: The Ramadan Reaper is a trick shot that involves reciting the Quran. Your spirituality and relationship with God is what makes you a baller.
Leo: You are like a free throw, but only in regards to the fact that Shaq hates you.
Virgo: Hook shot. This shot only needs one hand, just like you. So don’t stress about what happens this week.
Libra: Just as the bank shot relies heavily on the backboard, you rely heavily on your parents. Like, seriously, you gotta move out of their basement soon.
Scorpio: Manslaughter. Like the legendary Jayson Williams, you occasionally make mistakes, but hey, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you need to stop playing with your shotgun.
Sagittarius: Reverse cowgirl. A very difficult move that involves dunking the ball backwards. Just like this shot you are unique, skillful and highly ranked on Pornhub.
Capricorn: 3-Pointer. You can be quite dangerous when left unguarded, and that isn’t a basketball metaphor. The stars think you need to be institutionalized.
Aquarius: Oh, you think you deserve to know what basketball shot you are? After what you did to poor Kevin? The man was in tears! I didn’t even realize you had it in you to be so cold and callous. I think I need some time to reflect on this relationship, and until then, I definitely do not feel comfortable giving you a horoscope. Just… just go.
Pisces: Miss. The stars offered no explanation on this one. Sorry, bud.