Features

The Back Page: 1/21/21

21 Tips for 2021

BY EMMA STEVENS AND AIDAN CALLAHAN, staff writer and back page editor

With the start of the new year, resolutions are on everyone’s minds. Statistically, you’ve most likely already failed whatever goal you set for yourself. But don’t give up yet! Try any of these 21 tips for a terrific 2021:

  1. Drink some water! College kids are notoriously terrible at staying properly hydrated, so at least once a day, put down the coffee, Bang or Mountain Dew, and drink a cup of water.
  2. Add a fruit or vegetable to your plate at a meal. Change is hard. You don’t have to give up the pizza or the fries. Just pick up a fruit cup, too. 
  3. Get up and move. Studying and sitting go hand in hand, but being still all day can suck the energy right out of you. Simply taking a walk to go study in a different building can help you to recharge or reset your mind.
  4. Try to decrease your screen time. Being on the computer all day for online classes or scrolling on TikTok for hours can cause your brain to melt.
  5. Buy a house plant for your dorm room or apartment. Having something to nurture can help you fill the void. Condolences in advance if it dies.
  6. Keep in touch with your parents. Living a busy student life, you may forget about these guys from time to time. Try to call them at least once a week; you don’t want to miss out on any of their useful nuggets of advice, words of encouragement or lowkey racist political opinions. 
  7. Try reading some poetry. You’ll find inspiration reading the words of Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson and even Oscar Wilde. But do not read any Shel Silverstein. Man gives me the heebie jeebies. 
  • 8. Become a pirate. WandaVision is great, but Disney+ is expensive. 
  • 9. Work on your Sicilian Defense. It’s statistically proven to be the most successful response to white’s famous 1. e4 opening. 
  • 10. Spice up your sex life. Paprika, cinnamon, parsley, sage–any of these spices will bring excitement back to your bedroom!
  1. 11. Try a new catchphrase. I don’t think anyone has ever used “Bazinga!” so give that one a go.
  2. 12. Get ahead on your assignments now. You never know what the rest of the semester is going to bring. A ghost could start haunting you in the middle of the semester and totally cramp your style, so crank out as much as you can while you aren’t being haunted.
  3. 13. Get to know your professors. If they are acting sus, that may be a sign they are an imposter. Does anyone even still play that game?
  4. 14. Try something new everyday. Phineas and Ferb built a new crazy contraption every day while you spent 2020 with the same album on repeat daily. Be better. 
  1. 15. Invest in a leather jacket. If the apocalypse comes tomorrow, do you think someone with a leather jacket or someone with a Champion hoodie will last longer? There is only one right answer. Buy the leather jacket.
  2. 16. Make sure your door has a good lock. If we’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it’s that security is a must have. You never know what you might need to keep on the other side of that door.
  3. 17. Pack a “Go Bag.” Being able to flee at any given time is a necessity during these tumultuous times. Don’t get caught lackin’, start packin’.
  4. 18. Build a bomb shelter. This one is self-explanatory. If this year outdoes 2020, you’ll need a place to hole up. Reference our Oct. 29, 2020 Back Page article on bunkers if you need more information.
  5. 19. Start hoarding batteries. The grid could go down any day now. Call your friendly neighborhood doomsday prepper for more information on what you should collect before the world as we know it ends.
  6. 20. Carve some wooden stakes. Vampires could totally become a thing, and it never hurts to be over prepared. If you aren’t prepared, you might literally regret it for the rest of your life.
  7. 21. Wake up. You’ve been in a coma for five years. Nothing you see is real. Please snap out of it, your family misses you. 

Horoscopes

Aries: Now that Joe Biden is president, you can finally stop doing your Trump impression all the time. Trust me when I say: no one will miss it. 

Taurus: Your new year’s resolution sucks. Pick an easier one: have 2021 be the year you go through your hoe phase. 

Gemini: Don’t worry, no matter who you are or what you do, the stars love and respect you. Unless you unironically enjoyed Wonder Woman 1984. In that case, the stars think you’re cringey.

Cancer: It’s 2021, so it’s time to turn your life around. Stop writing D’Artagan x Blue Blob slash fiction. 

Leo: You like sports, and you don’t even care who knows. But maybe you should care at least a little. It’s a bit excessive. 

Virgo: Hey, Doug. I’ve been trying to reach you but haven’t found any other way to contact you. Could you shoot me an email? You can reach me at callahana2@xavier.edu. If your name isn’t Doug please disregard this horoscope, and please do not spam my inbox. 

Libra: Don’t expect much from this year. With Christmas and New Years behind us, it’ll be 10 more months until the next good holiday. 

Scorpio: You should listen to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel. This isn’t even a horoscope, it’s just a really good album.

Sagittarius: This semester, try to make sure all your professors know you by name. It’s as simple as walking into class naked one day for you to be a student they’ll never forget. 

Capricorn: Don’t get cocky. You’re not a chess expert just because you watched The Queen’s Gambit over winter break. 

Aquarius: This semester, stop putting off your assignments. As Cyberpunk 2077 has taught us all, just because something is delayed doesn’t mean it will be good. 
Pisces: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. When we lose one bad president, we also lose a great one. RIP Father Graham, 1955-2021.


Fictionary

by tess brewer, staff writer

Corny toad (core-nee toe-d): A creature that lures mates by making very bad puns 

Ex: Do you think this is a croak? Hah, I amfibbian

Moidah (moy-dah): A homicide in New Jersey 

Flexex (fleks-ecks): Someone you used to date who was way out of your league 

Ex: Ben Affleck, Flexex: Ana De Armas

Marteur (Mmr-too-er): The French version of Sherlock Holmes’ nemesis

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