The Back Page: 1/28/21

I need some advice. A friend of mine, let’s call him “Rufus,” holds different political beliefs than I do. We’ve been friends since freshman year, and we have a lot of fun hanging out together, but I don’t know how I can allow myself to be around someone with such upsetting views. 

I, like most individuals of sane intellect, believe that Julius Caesar was a great Roman leader, however Rufus believes the only sin Brutus committed was not killing him earlier. It’s infuriating! Julius Caesar defeated Vercingetorix and took control of Gaul. He dethroned Ptolemy and gave the Egyptian monarchy to Cleopatra, girl power! 

He was an amazing military commander, yet he also showed mercy by pardoning Cicero and Brutus (that back-stabbing bastard) after they were on the losing team of the Civil War. Once, Caesar was kidnapped by pirates and held for ransom, and what did Caesar do when he was freed? He went back and arrested every single one of those damn pirates. Yet, out of his merciful kindness, he cut all of their throats before crucifying them to shorten their pain. I mean…talk about compassion. He came, he saw, he kicked absolute ass and solidified Rome as the unrefuted powerhouse of antiquity.

Rufus is always saying stuff like, “Julius Caesar destroyed the Roman Republic and started the gradual decline of Roman power.” What an idiot! I had to unfollow Rufus on Twitter, but it’s harder to unfollow him as a roommate. Is our friendship doomed?

Help me out here,



When dealing with people with different beliefs, it’s important to listen to one another. It’s always easier to villainize the opposing view and classify them as stupid or evil, but the world isn’t that simple. Instead of holding a binary view of good and bad, try to understand why they hold their beliefs. 

Different people come from different backgrounds and hold different values. Asking them to explain their beliefs is a good way to understand where they’re coming from and to find some common ground you both agree on. Don’t stop listening to them just because what they’re saying contradicts what you hold in your head to be true. Allow your own beliefs to be challenged. 

Sure, he gave citizenship to the people of Gaul, but that was after killing 20% of their population. Some people would consider that a genocide. Is your friendship doomed? That depends on whether you’re confident enough in your own beliefs to be around opposing views without feeling threatened. There are better ways of judging whether a person is worth spending time with than their beliefs, such as how they treat you and how they treat others. But yes, that Caesar pirate story is badass.



Aries: Enjoy work this week. Try not to focus on the fact a Redditor made $25 million in a day by memeing the stock market. Just keep pretending money is real. 

Taurus: You really gotta work on your hairstyle. Dr. Hanycz saw you on her campus visit and is now considering stepping down from the presidency before she even begins. 

Gemini: In his first week in office, Joe Biden has signed 30 executive orders. What have you done in the first two weeks of school? Taken 30 naps?

Cancer: Your purpose in life is to make Christianity appeal to younger generations. Perhaps instead of holy water, the next generation can be baptised using holy vape juice. 

Leo: Stop watching anime. There is only one good anime and it is Attack on Titan. Dragon Ball Z gets a pass too, but don’t push it. 

Virgo: Stop gendering alcohol. Mike’s Hard Lemonade can be for boys too. It is MIKE’S after all. 

Libra: Remember you don’t need to be a genius to find success in your field. Sigmund Freud was a cocaine addict who wanted to get with his mom but we still talk about him to this day. 

Scorpio: The first snow fall of the year always brings something good for Scorpios: another excuse to stay in your room and game.

Sagittarius: I’m gonna need you to shut up about all your unimportant problems. Halsey is pregnant and that is the only thing that matters this week.

Capricorn: Do NOT listen to your horoscope this week. 

Aquarius: Know your place. How you gonna roast someone’s home state then be living in Ohio?

Pisces: You have peaked. You will never be happier then when you were a kid watching the Suite Life/Hannah Montana/That’s So Raven crossover episode.