Frack, Marry, Kill
By More Jenga, Mother-Fracker
Hydraulic fracturing — or fracking, to be sexy — is happening all around us, everyday. Yes, it may poison our drinking water, pollute our air and slowly drain the earth’s resources. More importantly, it makes me moist.
Frack, Marry, Kill is a little game that our editorial staff invented to curb my moisture. It’s simple: just pick a person at random, and then choose whether you’d like to spend the rest of your life in their loving embrace, have them brought to the copy-editing room and “taken care of” or drilled for precious natural gas.
The hot new secretary? Marry. The editor of any competing muck-racking son-of-a-b*tch newspaper? Kill. Jeff Bezos? Frack — that blood will be worth a lot some day.
Anyway, I encourage your office to try it (until HR finds out — then you’re certainly not going to frack or marry those liberal snowflakes).
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Backstreets Back on Wall Street
By Sebastian Aguilar, 90s Kid
In a desperate bid to regain relevance, the Backstreet Boys have decided to cash in on both ‘90s nostalgia and the stock market fiasco. Even though their 2019 album DNA peaked at No. 1, the band had fallen on hard times financially after spending all their revenue on hookers and blow.
The quintet has decided that with all this $GME, $AMC and $DOGE hullabaloo they will create their own cryptocurrency. We sat down with the boys to figure out why they decided to get into the crypto game.
Band member AJ Mclean said about the move, “Honestly, Reddit stockbros were our target audience all along. I think that they can really relate to being a bunch of boys from the backstreets. I mean if you’re not on Wall Street, you’re in the backstreets, am I right?” He is.
The crypto will premiere under the name $BOYS, short for the full name BOYCOIN. The band seemingly has done this as a publicity stunt for their 2021 album Backstreet$BOYS to the Moon. The boys will only accept payment for the album in BOYCOIN. They hope $BOYS can get up to $1 by the end of the year.
Howie Dorough had accusations for the group’s formal rival. “I heard NSYNC is trying to short us…”
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Microsoft Battered by Insider Trading Scandal
By Griffin Bramer, Economics Expert
Tech giant Microsoft is slated to lose millions amid an insider trading scandal. The culprit, a lead developer for the company’s entertainment division, who wishes to remain anonymous, dished out some very sensitive information regarding the company’s plans on producing a “monumental piece of technology” that will reportedly “change the way our world works.”
His cohort, 57-year-old New York investment banker Maxitrillien Carmichael was apprehended by local authorities at his office in Manhattan. A sealed envelope on Carmichael’s desk labeled ‘payment’ to the anonymous developer was taken as evidence. When opened, it revealed only a single Pikachu Illustrator Pokemon card.
“So, I’m gonna be honest for a moment,” revealed the developer. “I didn’t fully understand what insider trading was going into this.” The disheveled ex-employee was looking for the crown jewel to his extensive collection of trading cards and saw the recent announcement at Microsoft as an opportunity. “The Pikachu Illustrator card is like… the rarest card in existence. I was prepared to trade Maxy three first-edition holographic charizards for it,” the Microsoft mole stated. Instead, according to the developer, Carmichael kept insisting on gaining access to the sensitive information. “So I obviously gave it to him, I’m no big shot banker like him, but I know a good investment when I see one.”
It was earlier today that Microsoft responded to the controversy, announcing that despite the company’s hard work throughout the years, they thought it was best that the Xbox exclusive Guilty Pleasures: A Judicial Dating Simulator (featuring Judge Judy) be delayed until the market had time to recover from the incident.
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