Features

The Backelorette

More Bachelor Hot Takes

by Kate Ferrell and Chloe Salveson, A&E Editor and Staff WRiter

So far, this season of the Matt-chelor has been a whirlwind of tears, lies and emotional immaturity, as expected. However, not even a White suburban mother’s intuition could predict the amount of times we’ve screamed at the TV. Below are a few predictions that Bachelor Nation will be subject to before we’ve found our Matt made in heaven.

Victoria comes back and reclaims her crown

Just after Chris Harrison announces, “This is the final rose,” and Matt gets down on one knee, Victoria will waltz in, crown atop her head, ready to reclaim her king. How will Matt react? The same way he did as she spat fiery words of “wisdom” to him before (probably) getting escorted off the premises: shocked, confused and ultimately disappointed.

Matt and Tyler C. pull a Tayshia and Claire

As established by the previous two Bachelorettes, it is not unheard of for a lead to leave the show and for the producers to find someone to very quickly replace them. When Matt does leave the show, Tyler C. will be the obvious replacement for him and we’ll get a two-part series just like we did a few months ago.

Matt’s eyes are open for constant search of new contestants

While Matt has reportedly made light of the accusations that he opens his eyes during makeout sessions, he has confessed his fear of new girls walking into the mansion or interrupting dates. Sources say continual surveillance is necessary after the all-too-frequent arrivals of aspiring influencers.

Chelsea makes it to the finale, but never has a one on one date with Matt 

The producers know that nothing’s better than a frustrated contestant who still hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Matt. I’m convinced they are gonna ride this train all the way to the finale.

Bri finds her personality after she leaves the show

Despite the potential we saw in Bri’s one-on-one, the current state of her character — as bland as an uncooked potato — has left viewers in awe. As she rewatches her lack of facial expressions flash across the screen, she decides to invest in Personality for Dummies to finally become interesting.

Matt continues to cancel cocktail parties for the rest of the season just to spite Serena C.

This one speaks for itself. Honestly, applause to Matt if that’s the reason he’s been canceling them. I encourage him to keep being consistent.

Anna, Victoria and MJ get announced as the leads of a Mean Girls film remake with Jessenia as Cady Heron 

After they all finished their time on The Bachelor, these four girls get recruited to star in the newest remake of Mean Girls. If their time on the show proved anything, it is that they are perfect for the role.


The Stars Write You a Poem (Horoscopes)

Aries:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

And orchids are as rare

As someone loving you

Taurus:

Your lover tells us

You are just like a haiku 

You finish quickly

Gemini:

Thou loves bad b*tches,

‘Tis thine f*cking problem,

And, indeed, thou fancies a f*ck,

Thou possesses a f*cking problem

Cancer:

Well, a horse is a horse

Of course, of course,

And if you can’t use Wikipedia as a source,

Drop course!

Leo:

Campus is a beautiful place to walk through,

There’s rarely a building without a wonderful view,

But for the next few days,

You’ll wanna stay away,

‘Cause I sent your embarrassing pictures to BarstoolXU

Virgo:

Do not go gentle to that picnic site, 

Rage, rage against the flying of the kite

Libra:

One chip, two chip, three chip, four,

Pick those day-old Doritos up off your dormitory floor

Scorpio:

Two lines diverged in the Caf, and I —

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has given me food poisoning

Sagittarius:

When you feel alone,

You don’t have to moan,

You can get in the zone,

*Aggressive machine noises*

Autozone

Capricorn: 

Once upon a midnight dreary, while you study, weak and weary,

The stars recommend a good album to help you study more —

Quoth the stars “Evermore

Aquarius:

There’s nothing about you worth writing a poem about. Sorry, try to be more interesting. 

Pisces: 

Shall I compare thee to an issue of Newswire?

You captivate, enthrall and engage,

When I’m with you I never tire,

(As long as I skip the campus news page!)


Here are some Valentine’s Day cards to send to your boyfriend, girlfriend, Manresa leader, mom, dog — anyone you want to show your appreciation for. Cut ‘em out and stick ‘em in the mail.