Features

The Back Page: 2/18/21

Pizza ATM gremlins go on strike

There will be no “new batch” of pizza until their demands are met

by AVERY STRYCHASZ, guest writer
Newswire photo by Griffin Brammer
With no pizza gremlins to make pizza, the Pizza ATM has been unavailable for weeks. This will continue until their demands are met.

Recently, there have been reports of Pizza ATM malfunctions, shutdowns and a general lack of, you know, overall workage. Xavier University, I am here to tell you today that the Pizza ATM gremlins have gone on strike. 

The gremlins have issued a collective statement about their strike via their union representative. 

“We, as Xavier University Pizza ATM gremlins will not return to work until our claims have been met,” the representative said.  

The gremlins’ union — Creatures Here for Education, Employment, Safety and Equality (C.H.E.E.S.E.) — has identified their issues as low wages, an unsafe working environment and lack of appreciation.

In a deep dive on the origins of these complaints leveled against our esteemed university, we have uncovered devastating truths. Our gremlins only make three pepperoni slices a day. One in four gremlins at our university go hungry. 

On the condition of the working environment, not only does the Pizza ATM house the glorious circles of carbs and dairy that we depend on, but also all 47 of our pizza gremlins. Let’s just say due to necessity, that barbecue sauce may have also been a gremlin bathtub. 

The most affronting of these claims is lack of appreciation. The Pizza ATM is a hallmark of Xavier culture, and  it binds us together as a community. Without the pizza gremlins, there would be no Xavier community.

Earlier today in a board meeting with the higher-ups (Father Graham, we’re looking at you), it was proclaimed that arbitration will not be tolerated. This is in response to the recent rumors that the university-wide blackout last week might have been initiated by the gremlins in retaliation. 

Xavier faculty has committed to replacing the gremlins with lesser-known minions if the gremlins continue the strike. A representative from C.H.E.E.S.E has not responded to this slander.

Xavier community, I urge you to fight on behalf of our pizza gremlins. If there has ever been anything as important to the well-being of this campus, it is the plight of our gremlins. 

May I remind you who was there for you at 1:30 a.m. when you felt so hungry you could die? The pizza gremlins. 

Who was there that one afternoon where you failed your econ test, and you couldn’t bring yourself to complete the “walk of shame” into the caf? The pizza gremlins. 

Who was there when the only thing keeping you going during the cruel week of finals was that chicken bacon ranch? The pizza gremlins. 

For some of us, the pizza gremlins have been the only constant in our Xavier experience. I implore you to do something right, because if nothing is done on this pressing issue, then this failure will be on your conscience.

If you call 1-800-SAVETHEXUGREMLINS, you can automatically sign the petition to save our gremlins. There will also be a silent protest outside the Pizza ATM on Feb. 29, where students can show our appreciation in solidarity for our pizza gremlins.


Horoscopes

Aries: This year for Lent, give up. Just… give up.

Taurus: Don’t bother getting to know your professors, those guys are a total snoozefest. Get to know the Physical Plant folks. They seem like a good gang to grab a beer with. 

Gemini: Cincinnati is expecting an unprecedented four inches of snow this week, but look on the bright side: this will be the first time your girlfriend is impressed by four inches. 

Cancer: Your prayers have finally been answered: there will be a new season of Total Drama Island. Your other prayers about your family’s safety are on the backburner.

Leo: You need to unfollow all those relationship meme accounts you follow. @XUvirgins would be more your speed.

Virgo: If you keep using the Gallagher elevator to go up one floor, you’re gonna end up vanishing like the girl in that Cecil Hotel documentary.

Libra: Texas is in a state of crisis, as it’s been without power for days. So I think you can handle one campus-wide power outage without having a mental breakdown and calling your mom.

Scorpio: Don’t let these snow days go to waste! Get out of your dorm and do some classic winter activities. You could shovel the Village driveway or salt the path in front of the Caf. I even hear there’s a certain back page editor who could use a foot rub. 

Sagittarius: You deserve a break, so why not look at a cute picture of a cow who can really dish out a punch? Just look up “cow fist” on Google Images and you should find it. 

Capricorn: Mercury is in retrograde, and you know what that means: absolutely nothing. The stars made it up as a prank and now it’s gone way too far. 

Paid Advertisement: Try the new Blue Blob Burger™ at Burger 513! Made from real Blue Blob meat!

Pisces: Now that Father Graham is on his way out, he’s throwing all caution to the wind. Don’t be surprised if he announces that he was the one writing these horoscopes the whole time. 


Fictionary

by tess brewer, staff writer

Notivation (no-ti-vay-shun): Lack of desire; equal and opposite reaction of one’s head and the pillow. 

“Wee Cap”: 

1. phrase meaning a white lie. 

2. A leprechaun’s preferred headwear.

“Deceased Derriere”: How a Frenchman denotes that they are telling the full truth.

Napathy (nah-puh-thee): brief period after waking from a short rest in which the world feels slightly unreal. 

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