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Xavier Theatre: Upcoming Productions for the 2021-22 Season*

In the Name of Our Father: A Father Graham Memoir 10/18-10/26

The raunchiness of Chicago meets the hilarious religious stereotypes of Book of Mormon in a new heartfelt musical the whole family will love. The story follows the man, the myth, the legend himself as the titular character climbs the corporate ladder of private Jesuit university deanship and navigates the murky waters of love along the way. Will Father Graham achieve his lifelong dream of becoming Dean of Cincinnati’s most OK-est college? Or will he run away with the alluring young blob he forms a surprise friendship with? Featuring hit numbers like: “The Name’s Graham, Father Graham,” “What Is Father Graham’s Last Name?,” an acoustic duet cover of Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls” (or, rather, beautiful blobs) and a special guest cameo tap number featuring 92 of the original 100 pizza ATM gremlins, this musical will leave you praying for more!

Freakin’ Sweet: A Family Guy Musical 11/15 – 11/23

Holy crap, Lois! I’m in a musical!

That’s right, America’s 12th favorite family is coming to Xavier Theatre. It’s another Brian and Stewie adventure through the multiverse. Or should I say… the MacFarlaneverse. After mistakenly going back in time and killing Seth MacFarlane’s father, Brian and Stewie return home to find the universe caving in on itself. It’s up to our favorite duo to restore the MacFarlaneverse before the Simpsons get a musical of their own. Featuring special appearances from Ted the Bear, Stan Smith, that guy from The Orville and, of course, every classic Family Guy character. Cutaways that overstay their welcome? You bet. Transgressive “comedy” that borders on straight-up racism? Of course, snowflake. It’s got everything! Come see for yourself! (Written/directed/composed/produced by Seth MacFarlane.)

Die Hard! The Musical: On Ice! 1/31 – 2/9

Walt Disney owns 20th Century Fox, and that means Disney owns Die Hard. In a spectacle like no other, come see John McClane like you’ve never seen him before… singing and ice skating. From the composers of Frozen and Coco, witness magical musical numbers such as “Crashing Through a Window,” “Do You Hear Hans Gruber Sing?” and of course the epic finale “Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Fudger (Reprise).” This adaptation of America’s favorite Christmas movie is fun for the whole family. Don’t miss your chance to see Nakatomi Plaza explode… on ice!

Les Incélables 2/27 – 3/1

A lonely incel embarks on adventures in a world completely against his kind. With a replica katana in one hand (that, of course, Mother has padded so he doesn’t get hurt) and tendies in the other (courtesy of Mother), the incel’s ultimate goal is to lose his virginity, and only his virginity, as he is above pursuing true relationships with anyone other than his 2D waifus. Along the way, the incel takes on Chads, furries and women-who-keep-rejecting-his-gentlemanly-advances-because-their-standards-are-too-high. However, a true gentleman of utmost respect must face his inner demons. A quest to lose virginity will become a jaw-dropping, fedora-tipping exploration of the incel’s true desire to find the anime-loving lady of his fantasies. When he meets eyes with a lonely girl and notices her Attack on Titan Mikasa body pillow matches his Mikasa body pillow, the incel’s life is forever changed. Will he finally leave his mother’s basement and find love outside of online DND role-playing forums?

*Not actually Xavier Theatre’s 2021-22 Season. This is just a silly article written by Griffin Brammer, Ben Thomson, Jacob Smith and Morgan Miles, with playbills by Jacob Smith. Thanks to Father Graham, Bruce Willis, and Sebastian Aguilar for allowing us to use their faces.


The Stars Determine What Musical You Are

Aries: Hamilton. You think that any boring subject is immediately more interesting if you rap about it. Might not have been the best idea for your crisis counseling class final. 

Taurus: Grease. And not a good production of it, either. You’re a middle school production where all the swear words have to be edited out. 

Gemini: Hairspray. Your whole vibe just screams “John Travolta in drag.” 

Cancer: Cats. Any child that sees you is instantly traumatized

Leo: Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. You may not be what the world wants, but you’re what the world needs. Like a Green Goblin song written by Bono. 

Virgo: Les Misérables. Everyone mispronounces your name and at this point you’ve just stopped correcting them. 

Libra: Mama Mia. You annoy the hell out of just about everyone but for some reason, middle-aged moms can’t get enough of you. 

Scorpio: Jesus Christ Superstar. You are sorely underrated, and everyone should go listen to the original Broadway cast recording of you on Spotify. 

Sagittarius: You’re not a musical; you’re a long, depressing play like Angels in America.

Capricorn: The Wiz. Everyone loves The Wizard of Oz and Wicked, but you don’t know what it’s like to be loved. Because you’re a middle child. 

Aquarius: Rent

Due to its offensive nature, the rest of this horoscope was not approved for publication. 

The Editor in Chief 
Pisces: Fiddler on the Roof. This one’s obvious. The way you carry yourself perfectly embodies the struggles of being Jewish in early 20th-century Russia.