March Mac-ness by Back Page Editor Aidan Callahan and guest writer Tyler Clifton
Fill out a bracket, win a pizza
March Madness is upon us. Here at the Back Page, we don’t know much about basketball, but we love the time-honored tradition of bracket-making. So to celebrate, we’re creating a bracket of macs. A Mac-et, if you will. Fill it out and send a picture to firstname.lastname@example.org along with a short explanation of why your bracket’s a winner. Our favorite will win a $20 Domino’s gift card.
Aries: Since last March, the world has gotten worse at an exponential rate. If this continues, we’ll probably all be dead by next March. So why not ask out your crush?
Taurus: Sometimes, opportunity comes knocking. Answer the door. Let the Mormons of opportunity into your home and let them tell you about Jesus.
Gemini: As the beautiful weather returns, so too has Elliot returned to dancing on the Husman stage, and all is right with the world.
Cancer: Everyone deserves forgiveness, even your friend who faked having a terminal illness. Even having fake cancer can be a taxing experience.
Leo: You are going to be stressed about a difficult assignment all week while your theater major friend goes to bed early, as their only homework is “work on your breathing.”
Virgo: Like Tiger Woods, you’ve only got three moods: Baller 😎, cheat on your wife 😏 and crash your car 😳.
Libra: Get hype for March Madness! Not the basketball tournament, the degradation of your mental health as you realize you haven’t started applying for internships yet.
Scorpio: WandaVision ends this week, so the stars officially can’t think of any purpose to your life.
Sagittarius: Expect more from your elected officials. Imagine if SGA was like the Biden administration: they say they’re gonna get better Wi-Fi on campus and instead they bomb Syria.
Capricorn: Watch out — tomorrow you’ll be locked out of your room in only your most embarrassing underwear. It won’t even be comical, it will just be really annoying for your RA.
Capricorn: You’re just so awesome you deserve two horoscopes. Pat yourself on the back, and then go make fun of some Aquariuses. Those kids are weird.
Pisces: Its been getting warmer out the past few days, so get out of your dorm. You may catch Father Graham catching some rays on the lawn.