Back Page: 3/18/21

Pizza Gremlins Declare War!

by Avery Strychasz, staff writer

The Caf is in shambles as XUPD is swarmed by Pizza Gremlin hordes

Photo courtesy of
Students have reported a “gremlin-y” taste in Caf burgers, but Connex
has denied all allegations that they are treating POWs inhumanely.

It’s been all quiet on the Pizza Gremlin front for the last couple of weeks… or so we thought. Recently, certain staples in the Hoff Dining Commons have mysteriously gone A.W.O.L.

With their demands unmet, the Pizza Gremlins have devolved into anarchy.

The war between the Gremlins and the Caf has certified itself as a slice of Xavier’s history. We’ve seen devastating losses, such as our beloved ice cream machine, the diabolical swapping of Special K® with Raisin Bran® in the cereal dispensers and the mysterious “nationwide juice shortage.” One thing is clear: the Pizza Gremlins can no longer be ignored.

When asked if these recent attacks are Gremlin-related, the Caf’s Michelle Dietz could not confirm at the time of the interview. 

Describing the situation as “juicy,” Dietz wanted to assure Xavier students that “no compromise will be made when it comes to students.”

In our previous article, it was made known that the university does not plan on arbitrating the situation. Dietz refuted this, saying that arbitration was initiated, but there were significant language barriers between each party. The Caf has taken the initiative to fly in a translator from France in an attempt to mitigate the saucy situation.

There are, however, always two sides to every war and the Pizza Gremlins tell a different story. Newswire obtained an exclusive interview with the head of the revolution: Father Grahmlin. While it did not appear we were speaking the same language, when asked on his opinion of the pizza problem, Father Grahmlin triumphantly held an AllCard in the air with the gleam of revolution in his eyes.

Photo courtesy of Michelle Dietz
Oh no, watch out Pizza ATM repairman! There’s a Pizza Gremlin sneaking up
behind you! Oh my god, he can’t hear us, he has his AirPods in! Oh my God.

The nonverbal communication was poignantly clear. With a silent nod, I understood the message the Pizza Gremlins have been trying to communicate all along: they belong in the Xavier community.

This whole war has never been about hurting us; the Pizza Gremlins just want to be a part of the Xavier family. They already do so much for us, making us pizza day-in and day-out, and what do they get in return? 

Our motto is “All for One, One for All,” but that is not really true. If issues like this continue to prevail, then we might as well change our motto to “All for None, None for All.” A pizza missing a slice is not whole, just like we are not whole without the Pizza Gremlins.


Aries: Newswire took the week off last week and you didn’t even notice 😞. The stars aren’t mad, just disappointed.

Taurus: If you pinched anyone for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s day, I will personally beat the sh!t out of you if you wear white after Labor Day. 

Gemini: Your parents may follow insane conspiracy theories, but you’re not alone. Join the QAnon Anonymous support group. If you have any questions, there will be an anonymous QAnon Anonymous Q&A you can queue for. 

Cancer: You and your LGBT+ friends might be disappointed that the Vatican won’t bless same-sex unions, but don’t worry! They’re still allowed to donate to the church. 

Leo: You don’t need to follow your diet every day. Some days are rough and all you can do to fix it is eat until chicken nuggets make up 20% of your body weight. 

Virgo: You may be sad that you finished WandaVision, but now it’s time for you to open wide and eat your Falcon and the Winter Soldier like it’s the yucky vegetable your mom is forcing you to try.

Libra:  Maybe you should worry less about who won a Grammy and worry more about how often you call your grammy. 

Scorpio: You give off the vibes of someone who goes to record stores a lot, but not in a good way. You seem like the type to sit at the record listening station for two hours then leave without buying anything. 

Sagittarius: Once the stimulus checks drop, head to Currito. You’ll have just enough in your bank account for a burrito, a smoothie and a big cookie. 

Capricorn: Don’t praise your roommate for doing the dishes for the first time all year; that would be like praising the Oscars for nominating one Asian-American for Best Actor for the first time in their entire history.

Aquarius: The stars have the same prediction for you as last week, so check the March 11 issue for your horoscope. 
Pisces: There’s been a shortage of RAs on campus the past few weeks, so now is the perfect time to pull a classic prank. Try putting Father Graham’s car in the HUB pool. I don’t know how you’d pull it off, but it’d certainly be silly.