Features

The Back Page: 3/25/21

Cintas Performance Disappoints Concert-Goers

by erin albright, staff writer

Last week, I had the opportunity of a lifetime — attending a world-famous Governor Mike DeWine concert.

The morning began with an hour-long tailgate in the rain. While I wouldn’t have waited in the cold for any other artist, I knew a DeWine show would be worth anything. I met some cool fans while waiting, and we all bonded over his greatest hits — my favorite would have to be Executive Order 2020-01D, but that’s just personal preference. 

I got inside and was immediately given a shot in the arm by some military guy… kind of different from some of his other raves. The military guy told me that it would serve as a type of microchip inside me.  Not only did it improve my 5G coverage, but it made my mouth light up like a flashlight during the concert. It seemed like a bit of a different approach than other concerts where they have little light-up bracelets for you to wear.

My arm hurt after, but it was OK because I bought an awesome shirt with DeWine’s face on it for the low price of $55. Some people joked that they had used their tax returns to buy the shirt, but I’m not sure how they got $55 back with the tax rate this year.

I was so excited when I finally made it to the front of the pit. No one else wanted to storm the stage and plant a big, wet, fat kiss on the Governor’s forehead, so it was a little lonely there by myself, but who would turn down an almost-private concert? 

He finally came on stage and began. Based on past shows, I thought we might hear some DeWine classics. He could have sung some classic executive orders to us or maybe a fancy political appointment, but no. All he did was play tracks from his newer projects — wear your mask, stay home, slow the spread, etc. Blah blah blah. 

If I knew he was planning on performing only spoken-word prose, I would NOT have gone. All I heard were the same iterations on COVID-19 issues. Lame!

I give it a one-star rating. If you’re looking for an event that feels like a really boring and lonely poetry slam, this is the concert for you. But personally, I would NOT recommend going to DeWine’s next show… unless you want a random shot in the arm. Depends on your priorities. 


Horoscopes

Aries: Watch where you’re going when you’re walking through campus. I was staring at my phone while briskly walking behind Father B, and I didn’t even notice him until I had knocked him to the pavement. 

Taurus: This week will be full of uncomfortable moments, like when your mom tells you that the Duke from Bridgerton is the sexiest man she’s ever laid eyes on.

Gemini: You should hit up Fuzzy’s Tacos, a delicious Mexican place by UC. Not to be confused with Fuzzy Taco, the nickname of a girl I used to date. 

Cancer: Quick tip: you don’t need to pay for drinks at Burger 513. All you gotta do is ask for a water cup, fill it up with your drink of choice and then give whoever’s working at the counter $10 as an apology for being a lying sack of sh*t. 

Leo: This weekend, you’ll be forced to choose between three seperate plans: brews with the boys, margs with the gals or straight vodka with the non-binary pals. 

Virgo: You should study behind the library — it’s a beautiful spot! It’s also conveniently located right next to the dark alley under Schott that is perfect for drug buying, selling or doing. 

Libra: Tomorrow you’re gonna find something gross in your Caf food. The worst part is you won’t even go viral on Twitter like the Cinnamon Toast Crunch shrimp guy. 

Scorpio: Don’t go to that “Camp Muskie” thing. Not because it’s poorly organized or anything, just because it seems like the perfect set-up for a horror movie. 

Sagittarius: Beware the Ides of March! Oh shoot, wait, that was last week. Someone better go check on Caesar. 

Capricorn: If you were a Disney movie you’d be Home on the Range, because no one knows who you are and you suck.

Aquarius:

Pisces:  Start beef with the SGA for no reason. It’s just creepy how they stare at you incessantly whenever you go to the second floor of GSC.

A poor student is spooked by SGA mem- bers as he just tries to go about his day

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