The BACK Page

I think the Back Page missed out on a perfect opportunity when they rejected my theme: the BACK Page. You know, as in spines and vertebrae and stuff. I was heartbroken when my jokes were deemed inappropriate for the Back Page. Like, seriously, what is more appropriate for the Back Page than backs?

Personally, I thought that jokes about “back-ne” and anatomical structures would bring more readers to the Newswire — you know, more grimy college students and STEM majors. I am doing just spine, though, since I got to write for this edition. I guess the editors do have my back after all. It is going tibia OK.

By Ollie Tabooger, disgruntled nursing student

The Badge Page

I pitched a pro-police page called “The Badge Page,” but they kept rejecting it for being “blatant copaganda,” whatever that means. I feel attacked. I feel unheard. I can’t even cool off with my favorite day-time reality show COPS, another victim of the cancel police. Thanks, Obama. 

As a middle-aged man who doesn’t even go to Xavier, I believe that if the LGBT+ or Black communities have their OWN CLUBS on campus, then I also deserve representation in the Newswire. I submitted “The Badge Page” for Cop Appreciation Month in January, and yet they still turned me down!

What happened to freedom of speech?! I thought we lived in America! I have no idea what they could have found wrong with my page. It had cop-themed horoscopes (which I called horos-COPS!), some adorable cop clip-art and even some tips for stopping and frisking! This is truly a low-point for Newswire.

By Ahmed Adoudi, middle-aged man who doesn’t even go here

The Cracker Page

A while ago, I was tasked with coming up with a theme for the Back Page. Well, I was hungry, and I ended up submitting “the cracker page.” I thought it was super clever because I could talk about all the different types of crackers I like and also roast the crackers I dislike. I made a whole tier list of different crackers.

It was gonna be great. I was even going to write horoscopes that were just the legendary Chet Hanks’ White boy summer rules… aka the “Bill of Whites.” For Aquarius, it was going to be “Aquarius just doesn’t fit what White boy summer is all about, so get out of here.” I guess the combination of my love for Chet Hanks and bland snacks did me dirty.

By Hot Chunks, totally not Chet Hanks’ stripper name

The Black Page

I have no idea why this was rejected, I think it’s hilarious.

By Lee Keybum, Staff Writer

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Horoscopes: With Apologies to Aquariuses

I have recently been flooded with emails from disgruntled Aquariuses informing me I have accidentally left out their horoscope for the past few months. This was a rude mistake on my part, and to make it up to them I’m printing all of their missing horoscopes here. Many apologies.

1/21 Aquarius: You need to invest in GameStop stock NOW. Do not ask me why; just do it. 

1/28 Aquarius: Get out of Myanmar ASAP — there is a coup coming and by the end of the weekend shit will fit the fan. 

2/4 Aquarius: The winning lottery numbers for the Powerball this week are 1 16 48 49 65 8. Simply select these numbers and you will be a millionaire. 

2/11 Aquarius: Bundle up and tell your friends and family to get out of Texas. An unprecedented winter storm is about to hit the U.S. 

2/18 Aquarius: If you go to Kroger this weekend you will run into one of your professors and have an enlightening conversation that will directly lead to them giving you extra credit. 

2/25 Aquarius: If you go to Cintas tonight there will be an extra dose of the vaccine. Just get there at 6:19 p.m. exactly and it will be yours. 

3/4 Aquarius: Put all your money on Butler beating Xavier and tell your sports-loving friends not to get their hopes up; we’ll be out of the conference by the end of the week. 

3/11 Aquarius: If you want your same-sex union to be blessed by a priest, you better get it done soon. Saturn heard some rumours about an upcoming announcement from Pope Francis…

3/18 Aquarius: Don’t steer your cargo ship into the Suez Canal this week. Trust me, I’m saving you from the most embarrassing moment of your career. 

3/25 Aquarius: Next week you will have 12 horoscopes just for you, so stop harrasing the Back Page editor. 

As an additional apology, the stars have allowed me to print the next two week’s aquarius predictions:

4/8 Aquarius: Start packing your things. The fourth wave is about to hit and we’re all getting sent home. 

4/15 Aquarius: Make sure to drink plenty of water; when you venture out into the wasteland today a group of roaming nomads will ambush you and steal your entire supply.